Written by: Brandon Sheehan May 1, 165

Years after this particular Beltane, I sat with Amergin in one of the fully walled areas affectionately named nibble gardens on Culinary, open to the sky dome, with tables and seating corners scattered throughout. It was a place in the habitat where muted sounds drifted through spaces designed for discussions and seated activities.

Once I chose to move from dedication to the next rite of passage, Dana finally told Amergin I was ready for him to act as one of my teachers, and he chose to conduct our discussions in one of the quieter spaces of the gardens, surrounded by the movement and muted sounds of those around us. He liked the dichotomy and muted chaos, he once told me. It helped him to think. I had the exact opposite reaction to our environment, but I suppose it was all part of Amergin’s method.

Another aspect of that method was that I could no longer simply trust what I was told. Previously, I simply absorbed what I had been taught: the eight Sabbats and their meanings, as well as the basics of the ritual that I regularly performed so as not to detract from the energies within; the proper way to handle myself, practical lessons everyone needed to know, regardless of where they stood in the hierarchy.

Amergin didn’t want me to simply parrot something back at him or perform a ritual movement perfectly. He wanted me to do something much harder. He wanted me to think.

At first, all that meant was that I was adding even more concepts to my list of things to research, which, no matter how diligently I applied myself, just kept getting longer. Then he began throwing in some odd ideas, ones I could easily dispute given my own life experiences.

I think it was the third or fourth time he said something so contrary to what I knew that I finally had it. No matter the respect I was supposed to feel for him as my teacher, I couldn’t let it go, and I challenged him, giving him examples from my own experiences as backup.

His answer surprised me.

“Ah, so you went behind my back, did your own research, had your own experiences, and they don’t line up with what I’ve told you? It’s glad I am that you did. Trust but verify, I was taught. Never take anyone else’s experience as more worthy than your own, nor their own opinions, nor their facts. Verify what you can, through research, your own experiences and most importantly, your ethical and moral code. We practice, we don’t believe. We are experiential, and each of us draws our own conclusions from each experience through our own lenses, our own filters of knowledge, and our own history. Good catch, keep at it.”

So this night, I decided to gain more knowledge to add to my filter.

“Kevin once told me you named yourself. The only people I know who have done it are people who are given names that don’t fit their gender identity. That obviously isn’t the case here. So why, what was wrong with the name your parents chose for you?”

He grinned, “Your parents named you Brandon, right, and you never thought of yourself as something else?”

“Well, yes, but that’s normal.”

“Normal, is it? Tell me, Brandon, what is normal about hanging a label on a being who has been born mere moments before? There’s no way to know who they are in that moment, and why insist the child carry a label that doesn’t fit?”

He grinned, which made me feel discomfited. “I never thought about a name being part of an identity, in the same way as pronouns, but yeah, you’re right.”

“Don’t look so upset, you’re stretching, that’s all. It’s not like you broke the Charter or anything. ” Learning forward in a way I found vaguely irritating, he continued, “Most people just keep the name they were given, and don’t really even think about it. The label doesn’t itch or irritate; it’s just there, a part of them. Look at Alex.”

I thought about that, “she and I did talk about her names before, she identified them as what different people call her, but they’re all variations of her name.”

“Are they though?” Amergin grinned at me, a grin I was finding particularly obnoxious at that moment. “Regardless, you correctly identified the difference. In the spaces you are aware of, Alex allows others to use variations of an identifier she did not choose herself.

“Alex has kept the name she was given at birth, but she’s adapted variations of her name to define herself in specific spaces of her life. People don’t think about variations of the name, even though in her case, every name reflects another facet.”

He took a long drink before continuing. “My parents decided before I was born that I would have the opportunity to craft my own identity. They gave me a common name, William, and while they would have been thrilled had it fit, I always knew they would support whatever label I chose to pin onto myself.

“In ancient times, many cultures initially held off formally naming a child. There could be differing reasons, but a common one was to see if the child could survive. In those times, many children didn’t. They would use what were known as pet names, or milk names, until a formal naming was held.

“Names have power, and are integral to our identity, an intrinsic aspect of self. To have to carry a name that doesn’t fit one’s identity would be horrible, to not be recognized as yourself.” Amergin’s device buzzed; after glancing at it, we went together to pick up our first order.

It took some time to arrange the various dishes so we could easily reach and share them, and while we were doing so, I decided I wanted to delve further into this subject.

“Okay, I can see where that happens when someone is born and named into the wrong gender. But how can a name be an intrinsic aspect of self if it’s given to you?”

“Exactly!” Amergin’s braids shifted as he reached for the pierogies, placing one on his plate and slathering it with sour cream and fried onions. “But why are you tying names to gender?”

I slowly drizzled cilantro chutney over my potato samosa. Taking my time, thinking it through. As long as I was doing something, I could avoid the “well?” look on Amergin’s face. It was a trick I’d learned in desperation, to keep me from blurting out something stupid.

“To be honest, I don’t know why I am. I guess because I’ve never known someone to change their name other than having it do with gender.”

These were the classes I struggled with, the ones where I was expected to find an answer even though I barely understood a concept. My answer wasn’t really an answer, and I knew it.

“So what I hear you saying is that you associate names with gender. I am a cis-male, and there has never been a question in my mind as to whether I matched the reproductive system I was born with.

“Like many kids, I didn’t think much about my name; I didn’t really have an identity yet. That’s part of our jobs as kids, you know, to discover who we are. I think I was 9 or 10 before the name I was called began to grate on me. I began experimenting with names, trying to find something that fit. And yes, at first, I tried on names that matched my gender.”

I swear he paused until I was just about halfway through with my bite of samosa, before he continued.

“That all changed the day I decided to call myself Sue.”

I almost choked as I tried to keep my food in my mouth. Once I got everything done and cleared my throat, “Sue? Were you fooling around with gender, too?”

“There’s an old song about a boy named Sue, so it seemed appropriate. Of course, it caused a bit of an uproar, mainly among people who wanted to know if I was using she/her pronouns and who were as puzzled as you are now when I told them I still preferred he/him. (1)

“What I liked about it was how everyone’s attitude around me changed; it was like they were seeing me for the first time. I felt, if not me yet, slightly more me than I had before. I knew one thing: whatever name I ended up with couldn’t be ordinary.

“How did you choose your name?” I forgot the last bite of samosa still on my fork, poised above my plate.

He shrugged, “How does anyone choose a name? I’ll tell you one thing: choosing a name can’t be random. It takes research, both internal and external. A name can resonate with the energies of those who used it before. It’s why certain names are synonymous with evil and are never used: Adolf, Caligula, Donald, Nero, Osama, Pol Pot, Saddam, and Vladimir are the poster children for names that no one will ever resurrect.

“I was probably twelve when I settled on a temporary name, Bryn, which is just the Welsh word for hill; and it was then I began searching for my true name. By this time, I was a teenager and, along with my parents and grandparents, was attending Witches Head rituals regularly.

“Classes were usually held before ritual, and while the adults gathered in their classes, we kids had our own. I was fascinated by the mythology of what had been known as the British Isles. I found myself resonating with the bard, judge and poet Amergin Glúingel. Interestingly enough, I also sport white knees.” He laughed, and I knew I was going to have to ask.

“What do white knees have to do with it?”

“A literal translation of the name Glúingel is ‘white knees’. Amergin was the chief bard of Ireland. A bard is a teller of stories and poetry, a musician, a reciter of history and law. The chief bard was considered a master of both history and literature, in whom resided the power of the land. He wrote the first poem in the Gaelic language, and it was thought to be an incantation of creation, that he had the power with his words to bring a new world into being.”

Amergin lifted his head, and once again, I felt myself drawn in, his words filling me, nothing existing outside.

“I am a bard, a teller of stories, one who holds the old dear, while striving ever further as things change.” He closed his eyes for a moment and then began to recite.

I am a wind on the sea.
I am a sea-wave upon the land.
I am the sound of the sea.
I am a stag of seven combats.
I am a hawk upon a cliff.
I am a tear-drop of the sun.
I am fair.
I am a boar for valour.
I am a salmon in a pool.
I am a lake in a plain.
I am the excellence of arts.
I am a spear that wages battle with plunder.
I am a god who inflames desire.
Who explains the stones of the mountains?
Who invokes the ages of the moon?
Where lies the setting of the sun?
Who bears cattle from the house of Tethra?
Who are the cattle of Tethra who laugh?
What man, what god forms weapons?
Indeed, then;
I invoked a satirist…
a satirist of wind. (2)

He finished his recitation, and we sat for a moment in silence before he said, “It’s a poem near and dear to me, and once I read it for the first time, I felt a need to learn it, not just the cadence, but the mysteries and stories beneath some of its words, and I felt the name call to me. My name, Amergin, is who I am now; in those spaces, you do so know me.”

That last phrasing was odd, but then again, it probably had a lot to do with the Witches Head Tradition, in which he was one of the leaders, well, at least one of the leaders. “

“Did you ever consider any other names?”

“Other than the ones I tried on when I was growing up? No. Kevin did suggest I name myself Gwydion a few times. Fourth branch of the Mabiniogi; it’s now part of your homework. Read it and then write a comparison as to how I fit or don’t fit the name.” (3)

Our plates were empty. Amergin laughed, finished his drink and rose to leave, speaking as he did so.

“You have more homework. First, research your current name and find the traits associated with it, and compare those traits to who you know yourself to be. Second, privately, detail who you are, in as much detail as you know yourself to be. Using those notes, find a few names that seem to match those qualities you know to be within yourself. Choose a name and use it among close family and friends. Journal your experiences around the name, using it and hearing others use it when referring to you. How does it feel? Journal daily for a week, every other day for a month and then once a week through the rest of the three months. Using all of your notes, write an essay on your experience. I’ll expect it no later than Yule.”

And with that, he gave me a cheery wave and walked out of the pub, leaving me to sip my drink and groan silently as I considered this assignment on top of the last I was still struggling over.

Brandon Sheehan - May 1, 155

Before the full Beltane festivities began, each tradition gathered its initiates and associated students together for a class of their choosing. Those of us who were a part of Witches Head gathered in a semi-circle held on one side of the maypole field.

Our tradition. It gave me a thrill to realize I had a place within this community. For someone who had been so alone, I had forgotten what it meant to be around people. And I was doing it differently this time, building relationships instead of clinging only to my love. For one thing, neither Renee nor Alex would have let me get away with it.

I had only been studying for a year when I was dedicated, and I knew enough to know I didn't know anything. But a new world was opening up, and I was studying the knowledge gathered from the ancients: anthropology, philosophy, history, mythology. It was all so new, and I was beginning to see the gray areas between the black-and-white of my thinking.

Dana began speaking, so I turned my attention to her.

"On Beltane, our pathway of connection shifts to Love, with all it entails. Like the other pathways, the word and its associations become an overarching theme that encompasses the subject and how we may approach bringing it into our daily practice and into our lives.

"Out of all the pathways of connection we learn and practice, the pathway of Love is perhaps the hardest to understand. Perhaps it's because the word "Love" carries so much weight in those four letters. For our purposes, Love is all about relationships, the connection of self and …

"The connection of self and others.

"The connection of self and the Source of all

"The connection of self and self."

Dana paused for a moment, then abruptly asked, "Give me some examples of these connections."

"Parental Love", someone said.

"Sex", another said amid some laughter.

"Friendships" came from the other side.

"Love of a partner. Love of their other partners". I caught Renee looking right at me when she said it, and my head just tingled.

Dana began to lecture again, "I would disagree that sex is always synonymous with love. Sexual desire and the physical act are instinctual, with an emphasis on pleasure and propagation. It's something we share with other primates and mammals."

She raised a hand to stop the protest by a few of the younger dedicants seated in front of her. "Physical intimacy with someone you share a deep connection with can be deemed love, and right here we see the problem. How do we use one word to express so many different areas of our lives? Is it a mistake to use just one word?

"What is that we call love? Is the love a parent feels for their child the same love a couple has shared for decades? Does it do us a disservice to make one word stand for so many different relationships? What does it mean to love someone?

"Love is an aspect of our identity that only comes to life when we share it. Like many aspects of ourselves, love exists on a spectrum, specifically within the realms of affection and affinity. To help us understand these nuances, we can use words derived from ancient Greek and Latin.

"Philautia is self-love; loving our whole selves, the parts we like and society deems acceptable, and those we hide, even from ourselves. Working with Philautia is all about being honest about who we really are, at least with ourselves. Even as we do the work in philautia, we still have the ability to love others. It's just that as we love ourselves more, we have more love to bring to all our other relationships.

"Ludus is playful love. It's the butterflies in your stomach when you meet someone, the feelings of infatuation in the early days of romance. You want to be around this person all the time. It's not just a one-and-done.

"Ludus can morph into eros; romantic love, the love we associate with the expression of sexual passion and desire; something more than the simplistic urges of lust.

"Philia are the feelings we have for those we are close to outside of the families we were born into. While those who express their love through philia can be affectionate with each other, those feelings do not include the expression of sexual passion and desire.

"Pragma is the enduring love shared between individuals that stands the test of time. A pragma relationship may be one of philia or of eros.

"Storge is the love shared between those who are closely knit, with strong bonds between them. It could be the bonds between parent and child, between entle and nibling, or the love shared between friends who are as close to you as your siblings and cousins.

"And finally, Agape means unconditional love. We tend to define it as the amorphous love we hold for all. It's the love we hold for those we call to us in ritual, the love of community and society, the love for the people of our habitat and all the others, even if we will never physically meet them. To love with agape means to love in service to others.

"Even with all these definitions, there are still degrees. We might share storge love with our coven mates, which can be different from the feelings of storge we share with those families we grew up with. Neither situation negates the other. To love someone with storge is simply to love them with more affinity and more trust.

"All forms of love are love and valid on their own merits. To say "I love you" to a close friend carries a different meaning between you than it would for you to say it to your partner of many years. The words are the same, the nuance of the meaning is true to your relationship. We have it within ourselves to encompass love in all its forms. In the end, every word we use on the spectrum of Love is simply a degree of Love, and so the one word may truly encompass all.

"To encompass love means to work with the hardest first, that of Philautia. Loving your whole self is important as you progress in your understanding of the world around you. To discover who you truly are, honestly and without equivocation, is necessary on this journey. If you are unhappy with who you are, this becomes the time to begin the work, whatever that means. It might mean you need to accept those aspects of yourself rather than striving to change something inherent within. During our rituals, we proclaim ourselves to be the perfect child of deity. It means that in the moment of our proclamation, with all our imperfections, we stand and announce we are perfect just the way we are. How can we not love ourselves in that moment?

"To define love in the concepts of all these words helps and hurts us. We can apply the concepts introduced here to explore love in all its manifestations. But the true power is when you can simply let yourself love, even if it's only for a moment, without distinction, equally. To love the ones you don't know as fully as you love those who were born of your loins or those of your forebears. To open your heart and truly experience the divine residing in each of us.

"Namaste. To recognize the divine residing in ourselves and everyone else. That's another word for love, isn't it?"

With that, Dana got up, folded her hands, raised them to her heart and bowed. "Namaste". Everyone returned the same gesture, and with that, she dismissed the class.

Renee and I found Alex and Kevin, and together, we walked to where the opening ritual would take place. Four thick poles were arranged at the midpoints of a large square, each glowing in a design of flowers spiraling along the pole. The colors and flowers on each were different.

The eastern pole was filled with green oak leaves and yellow primroses. The pole located on the southern edge featured bright orange leaves, five each arrayed in a flat circle around its stem, entwined with five petaled flowers, its light pink center deepening into a vivid purple.

Blues and yellows predominated on the western pole; small tendrils of blues and teals twined their way around the bright yellow-covered stems. Finally, the north pole featured a variety of more subtle purple flowers alongside bright white clumps of many-petaled flowers that looked as if they might float into the air at any moment.

I heard someone say, "The flowers of Blodeuwedd." Who? Something else to research, I guess. (1)

I thought about the idea of love within our little group. Obviously, there was storge within our foursome. We were a family. Alex and Kevin were a couple, and so were Renee and I. But Alex and I also shared a relationship, which probably could be defined as pragma/philia. There were all sorts of permutations in here, and they didn't even include the larger family surrounding us. Did the definitions matter? Or did it only matter that we loved one another, no matter the difference in the feelings I felt for each? I needed to ponder that.

At that moment, the opening ritual began, and I became lost in what was now becoming familiar: the casting of the circle, bringing all of us into a sense of belonging; the calling of the quarters and the sense of protection I was beginning to pick up. And finally, the calling of the deities who would preside.

The two officiants of the circle turned from the altar in the middle of the square and began to speak, turning as they did so to make a connection with everyone around them.

"Welcome to this year's Beltane Festival, the sabbat of embracement. What or who will you embrace? As a community, we embrace each other, our loves and also our lives."

"In the past, Beltane was celebrated around the theme of fertility, the fertility of the Earth as it warmed in the spring and plants began to flower. The warmth of the season also led people to gather outside. Along the way, it became synonymous with physical intimacy and fertility arising from hetero-sexual physical congress as a manifestation of sympathetic magic."

"We have to accept that not everyone is wired in the same way, and to be confronted with only one way of experiencing Beltane and the idea of fertility can be off-putting for many. There's nothing wrong with expressing fertility in terms of physical embrace, but fertility can mean so much more. The fertility of ideas, for instance or the fertility that comes from producing something from learned skills.

"Ultimately, here in the habitats, we've distilled the idea of Beltane to the idea of embracement. In the warmth of spring, the world awakens, and we come out of ourselves to begin focusing on our community, embracing new thoughts, projects and each other. We embrace and nurture the growing plants and the birth of animals, which will feed and clothe us. We embrace the challenges and respites awaiting us.

"To embrace Beltane in the spring is to become one with our inner child. To play innocent games and laugh as we do so. Let's go!"

We followed everyone else to an area where the games were being held. Renee and Alex teamed up for the three-legged race, and Kevin and I did the same since our similar heights made all the difference. I put my arm around his waist and felt his around my shoulders. Once we finally got our leg movements synchronized, we took off, coming in second to a pair of leggy tweens.

I kept trying to find a place where Alex and I could partner on a game. I wanted to have enough alone time with her to wish her a happy anniversary. Five years ago, Beltane was the first time I told her I loved her, and she had expressed the same. But no matter what I did, she always eluded me, and time and time again, I found myself alongside Kevin.

By the time we were in line for the trust walk, where one person blindfolded and led their partner through an obstacle course, Amergin and Dana had found us. Alex and Amergin paired off, as did Renee and Dana, and once again, Kevin and I were left with each other.

"Ally has a soft spot for tricksters," Kevin nodded as we watched her and Amergin get the go-ahead to begin one of the courses. We watched Amergin begin walking a blindfolded Ally, saying something which made her laugh. "He could just as well have named himself Gwydion."

My ears perked up. "You mean Amergin isn't his real name?"

Kevin looked pained, "It is his real name, it's the one he chose for himself, once he knew who he was. If you mean is it the same name he was given as a child, then no."

He chuckled. Amergin was leading Alex through an area littered with small blocks. Instead of leading her around, he was directing her to hop over the ones in their way.

"She really does trust him, doesn't she?" I rarely saw Alex so relaxed outside of our family gatherings.

When it was our turn, we walked to another course, where Kevin put the mask on me and began leading me, hand in hand, through our first obstacle.

"Amergin? Of course, and Dana too. We've known them their entire lives. Their grandparents joined Ally's group. He even calls her grandmama on occasion; it amuses her no end, even though she tries to hide it."

We must have reached the first obstacle, because soon Kevin had me twisting and turning, walking sideways, and forward. The course was deliberately narrow, and sometimes he guided me with a hand on my shoulder, nudging me in the direction I should follow. Other times, we were forced to hold hands as he guided me, step by step, through whatever we were moving through. Through it all, I followed his lead and realized just how much I trusted this man, with whom I shared a partner.

I don't know if I would have been able to be as gracious as he was when he learned Alex had feelings for me. I had never once felt anything coming from Kevin other than acceptance and friendship. He and I had grown closer over these years as everyone adjusted to my presence in their lives.

Once everyone had taken a turn leading and being led, we found ourselves back within our group of six. Amergin's device gave off a tone, and he announced, "We have to go, I'm due to tell a story at the Bardic Circle."

Dana gave a small groan as Amergin grabbed her hand, leading us all to the small stage in front of an audience seated on blankets layered onto the ground. We settled in, Renee to one side of me, Kevin to the other, with Alex and Dana sitting behind us.

When Amergin told a story, he changed; something more seemed to envelop him, and the words he spoke came alive. As he began, I found myself being drawn in as always.

"Here, in the habitats, we've eased through the dormancy we've inhabited since Yule and now move outward, seeking connections with others. Forming new relationships and rekindling others, our spirits soaring and intertwining in whichever ways we feel inclined.

"Beltane is the season when the Earth warms, and all upon its surface feel their juices stir. We, humans, are no different as we bend toward the time of Embrace.

"When the world comes upon this moment, those who once lived upon the surface experienced tangible indications we cannot; the winds began to warm, and the hyacinths, daffodils and tulips of early spring gave way to showy peonies and dogwoods. Our ancestors would have felt it in the warmth of the sun during the day, even as they sought warmth in the chill of the evening.

"The warmth the sun gives has been known to kindle warmth in our loins, a primeval instinct, not unique to humankind. The ancients saw the warming of the earth as a marriage between the Goddess, who is immortal, and the Green Man, a male representing fertility, and so the story I tell you today is in this ancient vein.

"And so, in a time outside of time and a place outside of place, the Goddess returned to the surface of the Earth as a young girl at the time of Imbolc, soon meeting the child born at Yule. Each had known solitude and loneliness, and now they sought connection.

"The weeks of their childhood seemed as if they would last forever. They played together, mainly games of trust, and through it all, the Yule-born never led the Goddess into an unsafe situation when it was their turn to lead, and She, in turn, always kept their faith in her goodness. They learned to treat each other with easy affection and respect. Most importantly, they learned how to trust each other.

"And as the world began to warm, so too did they grow and while she ever stayed in her identity as the Goddess, the Yule child began to change. Their voice deepened, and they began to identify as male. She felt herself reacting differently to him, finding his scent enticing. As his skin left behind the tenderness of youth, she found his touch to be enticing as well. She, too, was at her awakening, and the Yule child found himself strongly reacting to the changes in her body as well as his own.

"And so they found each other compelling, no longer the playmate of before, but someone strange and yet so familiar. Someone they could trust and proudly expose all of who they were without fear of rejection.

"Out of the love they shared, their passion was ignited, and from their intimacy, life began to flourish anew. Flowers, newly fertilized, took the next steps toward becoming the fruits of summer and the promise of new endeavors was once again sealed."

I could feel the spell Amergin had cast on us with his words begin to fade, even as he continued.

"In our own time, we find ourselves moving toward embracing our connections, as much the connections of ideas and values as the emotional and physical connections that exist between us. In some, these connections facilitate an explosion of creativity, leaping into those beckoning worlds, while others seek private bowers in which to frolic.

"Even here, where neither the warmth of the sun nor the chill of the wind reaches us, still the warmth and promise of Beltane exist, and it is for us, the children of the Goddess, to continue the promise that Beltane brings, a continuation of life itself, always through love."

With that, he took a bow and left the stage. As our group moved away from the Bardic circle. Renee looked over at Amergin, "You know, Amergin, not all love requires physical passion."

Amergin stopped, as we all did, "I know that, but I can't change the story, can I?" Amergin didn't whine exactly, but he was close.

I don't know why I spoke up, I really don't, but.

"Speaking about love without physical intimacy, at least, happy anniversary, Alex." I had been waiting for a long time to tell her that, and if it had to be in front of everyone, well, so be it. Alex came over to me and into my arms. We locked into a tender embrace, and almost everything and everyone disappeared. The only people I was aware of, besides Alex and me, were Renee and Kevin.

And of course, Amergin had to ruin a perfectly wonderful moment.

"That's physical intimacy, right there."

"Not in the way you mean it," Alex told him. "While Brandon and I are affectionate, that's it; we do not have a sexual relationship. Pragma combined with philia is a valid relationship. I love Brandon, but I don't crave his touch."

She looked up at me, "Do you remember the night we finally realized we felt something more for each other?"

I answered, "I certainly do. It was my very first Beltane. Renee and I had moved in together a few months before, and we met you and Kevin at the site, Section 6, wasn't it?"

Renee corrected him, "No, we were in Section 3 that year. I don't believe we've ever held an event in Section 6."

"Section 3, yes, I remember now. I also remember what you and Kevin pulled once we got there."

Renee at least had the grace to blush; Kevin was more forthright as he said, "Look, it was obvious from Pesci Fest that you felt something for Ally. Both Renee and I saw it; I never discussed it with Ally, though."

"He never did," Alex agreed. "I'll admit now I felt something, but given how we met, I couldn't initiate anything. Whatever happened had to come from you."

Kevin crowed, "And you, buddy boy, were just clueless. You cared about Ally, it was obvious, and I tried to tell you it was okay. Remember our dinner a few weeks before you joined us for Yule?"

"I do, but I thought you were just sharing a part of yourself to strengthen our friendship. I had no idea you were indicating I should pursue your partner."

"I don't know, I thought I was pretty clear," Kevin said.

"I was clearer, or at least more direct," Renee offered.

I had to laugh; it was funny now, remembering all those years before when I had been confronted with the fact that I felt something for Alex that had nothing to do with physical desire. I knew what physical desire was; I felt it with Cindy, and I had it with Renee. But not with Alex, and it was one of the reasons I had never considered saying anything.

"But still, you did nothing. So we had to up the ante, and we were right; look at all of us now." I thought Kevin had a point; I just didn't think he should look so smug about it.

"You suggested Alex and I pair up for the three-legged race and then disappeared for the rest of the day. We searched for you and couldn't find you. Then we found a quiet spot and started talking."

I loved it when Alex smiled at me. "I remember Brandon. Do you remember what we talked about?"

I pulled out my mobile device and started thumbing through it, "I don't have to remember; I have the audio file right here." I noticed Alex's look and defended myself, "You told me I could record all our conversations for archival purposes; it's my project, you know."

She sighed and nodded, "Why not? We're all family here. Go ahead and play it."

I played the recording.

[Voices are heard coming out of the moble device]

Alex:

"You seem outside of yourself, Brandon; why so nervous?"

Brandon:

"Oh, Renee said something to me this morning,_ and I've still got it in my head."

[long pause]

Brandon:

"She told me I should tell you how I feel about you."

[long pause]

Brandon:

"Well? What do you think?"

Alex:

"What do I think about what?"

Brandon: (exasperation evident in his voice

"What do you think about what Renee said?"

Alex

"I have no opinion on whether or not Renee believes you should tell me how you feel about me."

Brandon: (spluttering)

"What? No, I mean, what do you think about how I feel for you?"

Alex:

"Brandon, you haven't told me how you feel about me, how can I think anything about something which hasn't happened?"

[long pause]

Brandon: (sighing)

"You're right, Alex. Okay, here goes." (deep breath)

Brandon:

"My feelings for you are complex, I guess that's one way to describe it, jumbled might be a better word. I don't know how to name it. I just know what I feel for you is strong, but it's not what I feel for Renee, or what I had with Cindy."

Alex:

"Maybe if you began describing it, we can figure it out together."

Brandon:

"Okay, the first thing you have to know is I'm not physically attracted to you; not in that way. I like holding your hand and small things like that, but I'm not sexually attracted to you."

[pause]

Alex:

"Oh, you're waiting for me to respond? Well," humming is heard. "The feelings I have for you are not dependent on sexual attraction or a sexual relationship."

Brandon:

"Are you sexually attracted to me?"

Alex:

"Does it matter? You aren't attracted to me in that way. What possible use could it be to know whether my feelings turn that way toward you? Is there more to this?"

Brandon:

"Yes, because even though I'm not attracted to you, I do have feelings of love for you. I do feel something when we touch, and I have felt something since the first day I met you.

Alex:

"I understand."

Brandon: "You do?"

Alex:

"I understand you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with Renee, and I don't want you to either. I've known Renee since she was a child, and we're very close. I want her to be happy and Brandon, she has been very happy in the months since you began your relationship."

Brandon:

"Well then, you can see why it wouldn't…."

Alex:

"Wouldn't what? Do you believe the feelings of love you have for me take something away from your relationship with Renee?"

Brandon:

"I feel guilty about loving you, and that guilt seeps into what I feel toward Renee. I feel disloyal to her."

Alex:

"I'm fairly certain Renee wouldn't have told you to tell me about how you feel if she felt your expression to me would in any way negatively impact your relationship with her. So I'll ask again, do the feelings you have for me take away anything from your relationship and feelings for Renee?"

Brandon:

"Except for the guilt, No"

Alex:

"Human procreation has never depended upon its participants being in love, you know. Like all species, it's instinctive, and choosing to mate with another was a survival mechanism for most of human history. The idea of romantic love can only be traced back 4,000 years. Humans are complex creatures, and we've evolved to need more from the relationships around us than simple survival.

"We find relationships with each other for all sorts of reasons, most of which come down to the idea of sharing. We might not know why we are drawn to a person, but the affinity still exists. We find commonalities with others, shared interests perhaps, and we build trust. And then there are those with whom the affinity is greater than the word friendship can express. Even without romantic love, the relationship can deepen."

"You told me you have feelings of what you recognize as love toward me, so let me tell you how I feel for you. I felt an instant affinity the moment I met you. It's why I asked you to call me Alex, immediately, which isn't a regular habit of mine anymore. "

Brandon:

"Does Kevin know this?"

Alex:

"Of course, I told him the night we met. It's why he came with me to see you the night before the experiment. He wanted to meet you."

Brandon:

"Oh."

Alex:

"My feelings for you have grown in intensity as we've gotten to know each other. You are important to me, and now I believe I've answered your question."

Brandon:

"What? No. You haven't."

Alex:

"You asked me what I think about the fact you love me. I've basically told you I love you back. Is that clear enough?" (we hear Alex laughing)

I could feel how hot my face was as I pocketed my device. "That's the gist of it." I thought back to the lesson I had just had with Dana. "It's pretty special we had the conversation and our anniversary on Beltane, what with all the different types of love there are."

Renee laughed, "Kevin and I were trying like anything to get you to talk to Alex. We knew she would never say anything first, that whole pesky ethics thing. Right, Alex?"

I was shocked, "Do you mean if I had never said anything to you, you would never have said anything to me?" At her nod, I shuddered. To not share what I had with Alex? To never know the emotional connection I had with her? I felt Renee's hand slip into mine and looked into the face I loved so much.

"Kevin and I were determined not to let that happen. He knew Alex, and I knew you. What you have is special, and you both deserve the happiness it brings.

Kevin said, "It's time for the maypole, let's head over."

Amergin was rather matter-of-fact as he asked Dana, "Is he ready for me?"

Dana answered, "Not yet."

And with that, Amergin said farewell and went off.

The five of us moved over to the maypole field, far to the side of the festival grounds. The closer we came, the clearer the view. Six silvery circles pierced by six silvery rods rose high above us. Five of the circles held twenty-six ribbons of fabric tied evenly, the ends resting neatly, piled onto the ground. If I squinted, I could almost make out the thin cords holding the circles high above us.

The main portion of the maypole field was occupied by four evenly spaced circles around a larger, central circle. The rod descending from the middle resembled a thick column. Along with almost everyone else, we headed to the circle set apart from the others and merged with others surrounding the children's maypole.

I couldn't help but grin. Four-year-olds dancing the maypole for the first time, what's not to love? There were about thirty kids down there, with probably as many adults, hunting for the number they were given, which was tied to the ribbon the little one would hold. After a few tears, every child was holding their ribbon and given the instructions everyone knew they would ignore.

What was supposed to be a controlled pattern soon went sideways, as children forgot who was supposed to go over and who was supposed to go under. Sometimes they both went under, or over, or wrapped their ribbons around each other and had to be teased apart. And from the time the first ribbons crossed and remained on the pole, every ribbon came alive, colors shining in the uninhibited moments of youthful exuberance.

Every ribbon took on a different hue, and what appeared on its surface had no resemblance to anything nature could have provided. Which was the point. We reveled in the children's laughter as they ran around, stopping to look at the design, even as more of them kept bumping and scrambling over and under each other. We drank in the happiness and freedom of our children, reveling in the warmth of a festival, the chance to run around, and the love and security around us.

"We always need to bring some chaos in," observed Alex. "It helps move the wheel."

I must have looked confused, because Dana laughed. "That's a lesson for another time."

I knew the Sabbats marked the wheel of the year, but beyond that, I had no idea; yet another thing to add to the long list of things to research and ponder.

With the children's dance now over, almost everyone moved over to the five other Maypoles waiting to be danced. I had danced last year as part of my dedication requirements. I had wanted it to feel like the spiral dances around the fire, but as a first-timer, I was concentrating so much on my steps and ribbon management, making sure I fed the ribbon at the right angle so I didn't mess up the eventual design. I never had time to actually look at anyone I danced with, except to note whether I passed over or under.

It's like that in life, I suppose. It's easier to find the connections when pulled by those you trust; when all you have to do is let go and let nature take its course. To find those connections when I had to duck for someone shorter or hold my ribbon as high as I could for someone taller, all while continuing to move forward and sideways, was a challenge I had yet to meet.

As much as I still loved to dance, dancing the maypole wasn't for me; I was much happier being an observer, watching the designs unfold as the dancers wove their intentions into their dance. I watched as everyone found their places, standing with the ribbon assigned to them. We heard a bell, and those with an odd number took a step inside the circle and faced deosil, holding their ribbons taut. Another ring of the bell, and those with an even number faced widdershins and took a few steps forward until they were in position. A last bell, everyone made sure their ribbons were straight, the music started, and the dance began.

As they wove the ribbons over and under, tightly around the poles, designs began to appear; the pole closest to us showed exuberant strings of small yellow flowers, dangling in groups, spiraling around green oak leaves, all set against the rough, brown bark of the tree.

I looked at each emerging design clockwise, taking in the different flowers and colors. The next design showed a bark with deep vertical fissures, clumps of white flowers tinged with salmon and orange/yellow with long stamens peaking out, displayed here and there, along with purple five-petaled flowers, much lighter in the middle, weaving in and out.

Woven around them were small, bright yellow and white-petaled flowers.

The pole opposite us showed blues, teals, purples, pinks and yellows.

And finally, the pole to my left was predominantly purples and whites.

As the dancers moved their ribbons in place and more of the design was shown, I turned my attention to the center column. There, the design was bright, with almost scarlet small flowers, thickly clustered, arranged around small irregularly petaled flowers in blues, teals and purples. The flowers tended to droop from their green buds, dangling suggestively. The same bright yellow flowers I had observed on the first pole were now joined by a light pink cousin.

I loved watching the designs come to life as the dancers continued weaving their ribbons. It did bring the promise of spring, of new life beginning. I longed to embrace Renee, but I decided to just take her hand. I loved it when I saw her smile. Nothing could make me happier. And then I felt another hand in mine. At first, I grasped it, believing it to be Alex's, but then I realized it wasn't her hand. I looked up into Kevin's eyes and realized he was experiencing the same thing. I tried to take my hand back, only to find Alex firmly holding our hands together.

"I think now is the perfect time to talk about another relationship. Don't you, Renee?"

"Why yes, Alex, I believe it might be time." Renee's eyes were sparkling as she studied Kevin and me.

Alex released our hands, and Kevin and I sprang apart as quickly as we could. I didn't want to hurt Kevin, but this was too much.

"What are the two of you talking about?" I could understand Kevin's tone. What other relationship?

"Renee and I feel it's time for you and Brandon to acknowledge the loving relationship you have between you."

"Now just a minute, I'm not attracted to men!" Kevin and I were simultaneous in our outburst. What were Renee and Alex thinking? Kevin and I were friends, sure, but a relationship?

Both Renee and Alex were silent for a moment. I felt Renee's brown eyes on me, and then Alex turned her green eyes from Kevin to me, and I felt her study me. But it was Renee who spoke.

"Did neither of you muffleheads actually take in anything you heard today? Or did the words from Dana's class and those we heard in the audio you, Brandon, played for us, just leave a sound behind as they took wing out of your head? Let me remind you then. Love encompasses many different relationship types, with or without sexual attraction."

Alex shifted her gaze to Kevin, and I found myself looking at him as she spoke. "Kevin, your relationship with Brandon is as close as the one you had with Noodin. A few years into your friendship, you began calling him, 'brother from another mother,' do you remember?"

I saw Kevin nod, and he turned to look at me. I heard Renee speaking behind me. "You have scheduled date nights, and you share interests neither Alex nor I have. Brandon, it's at times like these, when we're all together, that you seem lighter and happier. The few times Kevin hasn't been around, you consistently mention how you wish he were."

I looked at Kevin's face, and saw something I hadn't been able to identify, much less embrace. I saw a human who I was close to. I could share parts of myself with Kevin that I had never been able to share with another. It wasn't sexual, but it didn't need to be. I trusted Kevin, the same way I trusted Renee and Alex. We had a bond that went beyond friendship.

Alex's voice now drifted into my ears. "Both of you love me, and within that love is another bond you share, because I love you."

I saw Kevin's smile and knew it matched the one I'd shown him. We were going to have a lot to talk about on our next outing. But for now, it was simply enough to take both his hands in mine and tell him.

"I love you."

We squeezed hands as we heard the words from each other. I couldn't do more. I noticed the dance had ended, and people were beginning to set up seating for the drumming and dance circle. I couldn't help but laugh as I noticed Kevin beside me as we walked down to help set up.

On Beltane, the spiral dance opens the fire, and so we took hands, expanding the circle as more people arrived. I was flanked by Renee and Kevin, while Alex was on the other side of Renee.

The drums began to beat, the fire images in the column began to come to life, and the first person in line began to move, pulling everyone behind them. I felt Kevin's hand in mine, even as I felt Renee's, and I marveled at what life had brought to me. Love, in all its forms.

What I felt toward Renee was different than what I felt for Alex, and both were different than what I felt for Kevin. And none of the love I now had in my life negated any of the love I still felt for Cindy. I could slice and dice my feelings based on some of the waypoints Dana had talked about, but what was the point?

Love is love is love.

I spent the rest of the night dancing, sometimes solo, sometimes with one of the people I loved. I sipped sparingly from the mead Amergin was passing; enough to feel joyous, not enough to stumble. I felt wonderful, I loved and was loved. How much better could anything be?

Kevin's parting words to me were "See you on our date next week."

I nodded, ignoring the smiles I saw on the faces of my other partners. "See you then."

End Notes

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