Tipping Point

Ehren, Kwye - March 22, 2017

I woke up to a bright and sunny day, absolutely fuming, and I kept fuming all the way through my morning routine. Anger and I were old friends; growing up in Baltimore in the late 20th century does that to a person, especially when you're black, queer and non-binary. I had to hold back when I lived topside; too angry could get you killed, but down here? I wasn't afraid anymore, and the energy under my anger could be helpful, especially when fighting the bureaucracy that made up most of HA. ₍₁₎

I loved my job and helping our residents most days, but today would not be one of them; instead, I had to attend a mandatory meeting of the Liaisons. At least I hadn't had to rearrange my hours. Given our revolving shifts in the storefronts, I counted myself lucky, especially since I just knew this meeting would be a waste of our time.

Now, I'm more than happy to attend productive meetings where we roll up our sleeves and do the work to make things happen, but this meeting for sure wasn't going to be anything like that. Just the fact that it was being held in the big auditorium screamed aimless vanity. Every seat was going to be filled by a liaison pulled away from their real work or worse, dragged away from personal time or tasks, just to give some old white lady standing above us a chance to soak up a big old narcissistic hit of ass-kissing and fake adulation. I did not want to go. I could usually talk my way out of useless events by volunteering to take an extra shift so a storefront could stay open. But not this time. Blair had been really clear when I had tried to wriggle out. This meeting was mandatory, and my presence was required.

My stomach couldn't handle the thought, especially since this Alexandra was stealing Mika's position as Liaison Head. Even worse, I heard Philby had a hand in this whole mess! It wasn't fair! In fact, it was unjust! Why did Gerold Philby have a say in our organization anyway? Liaisons weren't a part of HA, even though we had to interact with them as part of our job. And how dare he replace Mika? She's been doing a fine job, for the most part. And to replace her with some top-sider, someone with no time in NAHE; I heard she only came down a few days ago. She doesn't know anything about us, but I know, deep inside, I just know she'll start trying to make us into something we aren't.

I prepared for battle, choosing a pair of slim pants and a front-fastening shirt. I also decided to skip my usual breakfast group. I wasn't feeling like making happy talk with anyone, and I did not want to inflict my mood on my besties. Why should they suffer? I decided to eat closer to the auditorium, instead of my usual places in the northeast.

I felt slightly better after my tea and waffles and headed down to the floor I would be wasting my time on. I felt even better when I reached the Inner Circle and stopped to admire my reflection as I stepped out of the elevator. The stylists here were good; I really liked the way my cornrows ended up just above my shoulders in a bob. For that matter, I had to admit I liked the clothes here much better than anything I had ever bought topside. I had deliberately transferred a loud pattern to draw attention, and so my bright butterscotch shirt matched the brown and butterscotch plaid on my pants. I decided to score a seat in front of the stage so I could stare down this new Head and hold her accountable.

Once on the office floor, I made my way to the auditorium. My spirits lifted a bit more as I passed small flower beds and containers filled with the colors of early spring: light greens, yellows, reds, and purples. The temperature was comfortable, like always, and I loved being able to walk everywhere. As I swung into the small plaza in front of my destination, I recognized the older white guy standing alone in front of the doors, and all the anger I felt earlier came rushing back into my body.

Whenever I was around Gerold Philby, I was constantly reminded of the cops in the neighborhood I used to live in. It wasn't just cause he was pasty white, it was his attitude, where everyone could see he thought he was better than anyone else. As I walked up, he threw a grin on his face, the kind of smile you force on to be polite, and waited so I'd have to walk up to him.

"Ehren. Good morning, young lady. How are you doing this fine day?"

And there it was, a deliberate misgendering. It didn't matter; nothing he was saying mattered. What mattered was that he was standing right here in front of me, and everything I had been fuming about earlier came rushing back into my body.

"Don’t good morning me, Gerold! What's the matter with you, taking a job from a well-qualified black woman and handing it to some old white lady? What happened to everyone having equal value? Huh? Worth, too, for that matter. Don't you think Mika is worth as much to this place as someone who looks like you?"

His mouth kept opening and closing, and he looked like a fish. I didn't care; I just kept going. The more I yelled, the lighter I felt, like a weight was lifting off me.

"I don't know about you, but I came here to help create a better world. A world where we aren't pushed aside because of the color of our skin, who we love or because the gender roles we were assigned don't fit us. And when I see injustice, you can be sure I'm going to speak up!" I folded my arms. "Now, explain to me exactly why this woman deserves to replace Mika. What makes her so special? And who are you to be the one to make this decision? The Liaisons don't report to you, even though you like to pretend we do."

I couldn't believe it. He didn't even try to justify his actions. He just looked at his device and walked into the building without saying a word. It was just like I thought: He couldn't be bothered answering real questions from someone like me. How rude—just plain rude to anyone he didn't consider an equal. To make things worse, I had to follow him into the auditorium.

But he didn't walk to the auditorium; he took a rampway up to a higher floor. Only then did I realize no one else was around. That couldn't be right; there should be something like a few hundred people here. I pulled out my device and searched for the actual invitation. Sure enough, the meeting was on the third floor.

I followed Gerold up the ramp and into a large meeting room. It was usually set up for a conference, with everyone seated around a large center table. But the tables were gone this time, and eight comfortable chairs were arranged in a circle to one side of the room.

Mika was already there, along with two white women, sitting on either side of her. Neither stood out in any way; both were older than me by at least a decade, and the one with short white hair was at least a few decades older than the dark-haired one. I sat opposite Gerold to keep an eye on him and watched as everyone else trickled in.

Someone even younger than me came in, followed by a real femme with a big smile flashing as she sat next to Gerold. Blair came in and took the last empty seat. I'd always liked her style; she was always whimsical. But underneath that red and gold wispy cloud of hair was one organized person who remembered every last detail she'd ever heard or seen.

I was confused; I didn't know any of these liaisons except for Mika and Blair. Why was I here? Why, for that matter, were any of us here?. As everyone settled, I kept an eye on Gerold, who was staring at the floor and waited for Mika to start the meeting. To my surprise, Blair was the first to speak.

"Hey, everyone, thank you for agreeing to attend today. Mika wanted me to arrange a meeting with a small group representing as much diversity as possible. If you look around, you'll see someone from each occupied section, representing a diverse set of ancestral cultures and lived experiences here and on the surface. I'd like you to remember that during our time together today." I swear she threw some side eye at me once she finished.

Mika spoke right after. "Thanks, Blair." She paused and looked around the circle, her eyes resting on each of us, before continuing. "Today, I want to introduce Alexandra Hanlon, who is coming in as Director of Habitat Liaisons. She will head up the entire Liaison organization throughout all of the habitats."

I didn't know what to feel. I mean, on the one hand, Mika wasn't going to be out of a job, and I was relieved. On the other hand, whichever of the two old white women was Alexandra would be in charge of every liaison in every habitat. For once, I decided to just keep quiet.

"I thought we could go around with introductions before anything else." Mika looked at the old woman to her left. "Alexandra, would you begin?

 I turned my attention to Alexandra and studied her. She was at least a decade older than me, with dark brown hair, which she wore caught high up in a tail at the back of her head. She'd found time to shop at least, and I admired the simple design, a soft purple ombre tunic and matching bottoms. I stopped paying attention to her clothes, though, when she spoke.

"Hello all, I'm Alex. Feel free to use she/her when discussing me." She waited a few beats, looking at each of us. Whoo, I could feel her eyes when they locked onto mine for that second. "My husband, Kevin, and I moved down two days ago and live in Section 4. I want to thank Mika and Blair for arranging this meeting and allowing me the opportunity to listen and learn." She looked to her right, back at Mika.

How could anyone sitting here not know Mika? Besides being NAHE LH, she stood out anywhere she went with her dark, dark skin and intense dark eyes.

"I'm Mika, she/her. As I think every one of you knows, I'm head of the Liaisons in our habitat. I moved here in 2003. My husband and I met down here, and we live in Section 3." Mika looked to her right.

The lady with the white hair started speaking. "I'm Tessa Dobrova, she/her. I came down with my daughter and her family just a few years ago. We live in Section 4, and I work the storefronts on both residential floors."

Oops, my turn. "I'm Ehren Kwye, they/them, living and working here in Section 3. I was a social worker in Baltimore before coming here last year." I looked to my right.

Blair looked around. "I'm Blair Rondele, she/her. I live in Section 2 and worked in the storefronts there before becoming Mika's admin assistant. I moved down here with my parents when I was 16."

The youngest said, "I'm Maria Cisneros, she/her. My family came down in the mid-nineties when I was five. I'm married, with a three-year-old, and we still live in Section 1."

The next was the smiling femme. "Hi all, I'm Shalan Balder, she/her. My wife and I are in an extended family, and between the four of us, we have four kids, ranging between 10 and 13. It's exhausting, let me tell you. I'm so grateful we don't have to do it alone. We all live next to each other in Section 5, and like Tessa, I split my time between two residential storefronts."

I was getting interested in all the differences. What were we here for? Then Gerold spoke.

"Well, I doubt I need an introduction; I'm pretty sure I've spoken to each of you." He beamed around. "As everyone knows, I'm Gerold Philby, General Manager of Habitat Administration." You could hear the capitalization in every one of those words as they left his mouth. "I'm here to provide any information you might need regarding Habitat policy and procedures."

He sat back, and I seethed. Typical Gerold assumes he's better than anyone else and doesn't give his pronouns.

Alex began speaking. "No matter what I've studied in the last few months, preparing to move down here, I have no lived experience in either the habitat or within the Liaison organization. It's why I asked Mika to arrange this meeting as my first step to learning about the liaisons and our residents.

"I'd like you to tell me what you are doing as a Liaison and describe your experiences as both a Liaison and a resident. What do you feel the Liaisons are doing right, and where could we do better? As Blair reminded us, please use all of your lived experiences when considering my question. Take a few minutes, and whoever is moved to do so, please begin."

This was something new. I sifted through my head to figure out what to talk about. Did she really want the truth? Or were we supposed to shade things to make them palatable? What did she want to hear? Then I heard what Shalan decided to start with, and I stopped thinking and just listened as more people in the meeting began bringing up crazy stuff; stuff I didn't think we had any control over, but there they were, talking about governance and elections and spanking Gerold over there not being any elected government yet.

When it was my turn, I decided the hell with it and went for broke. "While I live and work mainly in Section 3, I've volunteered for a lot of shifts in Section 5, and I agree with Shalan. The liaisons in Section 5 are the first responders when someone encounters something new about living down here. It can create real messes and hard feelings before they figure it out.

I started thinking out loud, something which had always been dangerous in these sorts of situations topside. "The Foundation just brings people in and drops them in the deep end of the pool, figuring their neighbors will help them out. It might have worked well in the past, but it isn't working well now."

Mika asked me to give some examples: "Well, Community Tasks, for one, I've had more than a few who come in after their accounts aren't filled, only to find out it's because they didn't bother showing up to tasks. That one's hard to deal with, especially when they don't know how subsidies work either."

In the end, everyone had something to say, and I walked out feeling hopeful. I didn't know what Alex would do with the information we gave her, but I found myself wishing something would come out of it.

I even learned something from Gerold, no less. We have another network connecting all the habitats. Everyone's familiar with the satellite network; we use it to go back and forth with the other habitats and all the topside networks in real time. Gerold talked about another slower but more reliable network, transferring data between all the habitats in what he described as a round-robin transfer, with each habitat removing their old information before copying the rest and sending their new data to the next habitat. I thought having a backup network was very cool.

Leaving the meeting, I found myself walking with Maria and Shalan and joining them for a decompression drink. We found a quiet place on Ent 1, with low seating and placed our orders. I wasn't much of a drinker, but I decided to go for broke and ordered a half-and-half with a few shots of vodka. ₍₂₎

"What did you think about the meeting?" Shalan asked, toying with something colorful. Layers of a stormy sunset shone through the glass, from the light and dark blue crushed ice at the top, changing to purple lower in the glass and finally a lemony yellow at the bottom. I had no idea what it tasted like, but it sure was pretty.

"It was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be." Maria had ordered a vodka Collins, which looked tall and refreshing, something close to my lemonade and ice tea concoction. "

Shalan replied, "I'll say, especially hearing about how your section actually has an informal government. How did your section implement it?"

Maria answered easily, "Section One was first populated by the very ones who built the habitat. For the most part, they didn't have much education, and they all came out of tight communities. Some were even immigrants from other countries. The Foundation pretty much gave them the freedom to run themselves. I've been told the whole council situation came together organically. Almost everyone there had had run-ins with authority in the communities they had lived in. Not for anything anyone did, but just for existing as a person in poverty, regardless of the color of their skin.

Those who were agreed to be the wisest were asked to become the council of elders, and when issues arose, they were the ones who heard the evidence and came to a decision. But they weren't the only ones with a voice. The elders were only supposed to deal with situations no one else could handle. Other councils were formed, and people worked among themselves to solve the interpersonal issues that always arise as communities form. The builders carried those councils into Section One once it was ready to be populated, and as the next wave of recruits came in, they were introduced to the concept. I'm actually surprised; it never made it past our section. I thought everyone was doing something similar."

Shalan toyed with her drink, stirring the blue ice and watching it swirl into the purple before disappearing. "I wish. The interpersonal issues are the hardest part of this job. What I don't understand is why we all reacted the way we did."

"What do you mean?" I wasn't really interested, but anything to keep my thoughts at bay.

"I mean, I certainly didn't go into that meeting prepared to talk about what I brought up. I thought it was going to be a meet and greet to introduce us to the new head."

Both Maria and I nodded; we had the same thought.

Maria added, "Instead, she asked one question, one simple question, and everyone just opened up and spewed out almost everything we find frustrating living here."

Shalan's forehead wrinkled up. "What do you mean by frustrating?"

Maria savored her drink, "I mean, all of us have committed to living down here for the rest of our lives. It would be nice to think we lived in a democracy. But until today, I had no idea the decision of when to create an elected government was up to Habitat Administration."

Shalan replied sharply, "Just because Gerold made it sound like he's the one in charge, doesn't mean he is."

I stayed silent and kept my head down. Talking about Gerold was dangerous territory.

"What's going on, Ehren? Are you upset about something? Can we help?" Maria studied me as I desperately looked for something at the bottom of my glass.

It just burst out of me. "It's Gerold; I've had it with him to the point that just seeing him somewhere pisses me off." All of a sudden, it hit me. Oh crap! I wanted to cry. But I couldn't, not here, not now.

Shalan looked at me quizzically and said, "Gerold's always been nice to me, and he's always been good about putting me in touch with someone to help when we've got problems."

Maria scoffed, "He's always nice to you 'cause you're a white woman. I'm betting he probably didn't even know you're married to a woman until today. He might treat you differently now. But he treats almost everyone with dark skin the same way; he's equal opportunity when it comes to looking down his nose at us."

I interjected, "Yeah, like we're dirt on his shoes that needs to be rubbed off. He's just smoother about it than most."

Maria nodded, saying, "You do tend to use your southern charm on him, but this isn't about you, Shay; it's about Gerold and how he treats us like we're part of Habitat Admin."

Shay's face turned thoughtful as she replied, "I see where you're coming from. I always thought of it as cutting through red tape. But you're right, Maria. He started by calling me and asking me for updates on certain cases. At some point, I started calling him to keep things from falling through the cracks."

"Yeah, Shay, I can see why you'd think that, given everything," I commiserated openly as I started seething inwardly again. "I mean, even with everything, I've tried not to be rude to him. But how much is just too much? What's the tipping point where he gets called out for what he's doing?"

I left after my one drink, grabbed a sandwich and headed back home, my thoughts in turmoil. I had accused Philby of something he didn't do. While I still didn't know his role in finding and hiring Alex, Mika, in fact, hadn't been demoted. I had attacked him unjustly. Oh, it burned; I had always thought I used my anger for the greater good. I always said I wielded it in the name of justice.

But this time, I let my anger get ahead of the facts. Even worse was the satisfaction I felt when I thought my anger was justified. I was ashamed; for the first time, I saw in myself what I despised in others. Someone spinning fiction from a few facts, letting their emotions get in the way of the truth. Was this the only time I had done it? Or had I just been so blind to my own flaws, even as I saw them so quickly in others?

Once home, I tossed my sandwich on the table and sat down, shaking and crying, allowing myself to let out everything I was feeling inside. I was afraid I had broken the Charter and didn't know what would happen to me. I had pre-emptively attacked Gerold, all based on how I was feeling.

I had misinterpreted the only fact I had known: Alexandra Hanlon would run the Liaisons. I hadn't even realized she would be in charge of all the liaisons in every habitat. I never bothered trying to find out anything more; I just reacted and spun up a whole story in my head, mostly aimed at Gerold because of all my other frustrations with him.

I hadn't been operating in any sort of reality; I told myself a story and let my anger at my fantasy drive my actions. Now what?

Would they kick me out of here? I didn't want to go back topside; things were so much better for me here. I could walk around, loud and proud, with no one batting an eye. The freedom I felt down here had become as necessary as the air I breathed. To go back to getting hassled for my skin color, the way I presented myself or who I loved? All because I couldn't, or wouldn't, control my temper?

I pulled up the Charter and read through it, hoping I wouldn't find anything. Crap, Clause Two specifically mentions treating others with respect. At least all the stuff about not attacking first was for those outside of the Charter. But there aren't any clear lines here, nothing to tell me if anyone breaking the Charter is thrown out. I started searching for laws, rules, anything and couldn't find anything telling me what to do in this situation. What was it Tessa had mentioned during the meeting? Something about not having them? I couldn't remember, but I did need to know.

I needed someone to explain to me how my treating Gerold today was different than what he did to me and others on a daily basis. Was it just about my tone? What was I supposed to do, just take his condescending crap and attitude? Why was it all on me? It couldn't be part of what I signed up for. It was ironic; here I was, a liaison, priding myself on knowing how to navigate this world, and now I didn't know where to go to find help for what I was going through.

I needed my own liaison. I needed to talk with Mika; she was the only one I trusted. I requested a meeting at her earliest convenience.