Pesci Fest

Brandon Sheehan - September 17, 149

Only when the day of Pesci-Fest finally arrived did I admit to myself how much I was looking forward to it. Alex and Kevin had kept their word and scheduled it a little over a month after I had moved through... something? nothing?... and came out the other side.

When they released me, Ara Khalida, who led the NAHE team for Project SideStep, told me their team had not observed any physical or mental changes in me after I had been sent through hyperspace. I was willing to accept their observation especially since I wasn't noticing any inconsistencies with how I had been before. People continued to interact with me in the same way they always had. I did change emotionally, but I believe it had more to do with my decision to embrace my life instead of anything happening in the instance I was between. My grief was waning, which helped. Instead of continually feeling raw and shredded, those feelings slowly started to subside. Don't get me wrong, I was still overwhelmed regularly, but the uncontrollable sadness was gradually decreasing in duration and intensity. During the slowly increasing time between those bouts, I could look at my present rather than simply re-living and grieving my past. I still didn't know what was ahead of me, but I was willing to let it unfold.

Ara said they still had to analyze all the data from the testing I had undergone and compare it with my baseline before finalizing any next steps. Theoretically, any steps requiring my involvement could happen at any time, starting in six months to never. I decided to take my future one day at a time and simply see where it led. Slowly, I began to live a more normal life; instead of eating every meal alone at home, I started going to Culinary, mainly to the Eatery. While I still wasn't interacting with others beyond polite acknowledgments, the simple fact I was in a room filled with other people two or three times a day felt like a step in the right direction.

Today was a new adventure. I'd accepted Kevin's invitation to join the fishing crew in the morning. While I could have gone to the lake on my own, the thought of doing so to meet people I didn't already know was daunting. So, I gratefully agreed to meet on his culinary floor for a hot drink before heading to the lake.

Early as I was, he was already seated when I arrived, dressed in a battered pair of pants, no longer even attempting to shine a color and a not-quite-as-ancient blue shirt. There was a steaming cup of coffee and a bagel before him. I noticed the counter serving baked goods and hot beverages and made my selection, carrying a cup of masala chai and a cheese kolache to sit across from him. He nodded genially to me, and we spent a few moments concentrating on the food in front of us. I wasn't sure what to say; I felt a bit tongue-tied. We had only met once in my hospital room, and Alex had been there, smoothing the way. I could admit I felt intimidated by him; he was over 200 years old and looked half my age. He had been kind to me the first time we met. Still? What should I say? What could we talk about?

When Kevin broke the silence, it was with a general question about how I felt. The exact phrase from most would have had me giving the reflexive reply they wanted to hear and asking the same of them for the same reflexive reply. It usually felt like an empty gesture, especially when it required me to lie so others wouldn't have to be aware of my reality. But it was apparent he was sincere, and I chose to answer meaningfully.

"I'm feeling better, more like myself. Nothing's changed from that. I started feeling good the moment I met Alex and then you. But I think the experiment helped me turn a corner. The pain of losing Cindy is still there, but it's starting to lessen a bit. I can think of her without always starting to sob." I remember taking a bite of my pastry to hide I was still struggling to keep my composure.

"I'm glad it isn't as hard, but I'm sure it's still harder than you'd like it to be." I could see compassion in Kevin's eyes and hear it in his voice. "From what you've told us, she'll always be a big part of you, and you'll always miss her. I'll bet anything that Cindy told you what Ally told me after we'd been married and living together for a while. It was before we knew about any of this." He waved his hand around him. "Ally told me I was no good living on my own and if she was to pass before me, I needed to promise to go and meet someone I could care for and who could care for me. She told me whatever I shared with someone else wouldn't take anything away from the love and time she and I shared. But I needed someone to show my tender side to, and she wanted me to find a loving and supportive companionship."

I remember searching my memories. He was right. Cindy and I had a similar conversation a few months after we had finally begun sharing a home after the two long years we had lived separately as adults. Living on my own had been okay; I considered it a rite of passage, but much like it was now, I felt like I was just going through the motions of living, not liking it, but with no other option I could consider. Our parents had asked us to live separately for a while; 'to get a taste of being a single adult' was how they tactfully phrased it. We did what they asked, even though we still spent most of our time together. Both of us agreed we were much happier once we started sharing a home, and there had been a time she told me the same thing Kevin was saying now. It almost felt like this was a reminder from her, giving me permission to get on with my life. I felt lighter like a weight I hadn't known I was carrying had been removed. "That's true, Kevin, but I'm just happy I'm not sobbing whenever I think of her. I don't think I'm ready to date anyone yet."

"You're right; we all need time to mourn, especially a Great Love."

We finished our snacks and cleaned up. Kevin retrieved a small cooler beneath the table as we stood to go. Once we got to Section One, we caught an elevator to the agricultural floor housing the freshwater lake. I'd spent plenty of tasking time on the ag floors, helping to plant and harvest. All the ones I remembered were expansive, with no moving walkways between the outer wall and the inner circle. There was always a lot of dirt and plants, some floors smellier than others, especially the ones with the herbivores.

But knowing what an average ag floor looked like didn't prepare me for what I saw once we were out of the travel corridor and onto a paved path that led us through the treeline to a small open-sided building near its edge. As we left the trees extending past the wall, I could see our path becoming steps as they continued up an incline. The glimmering of dawn's approach played on the sky dome around us, and the hill before us filled the rest of my view. I had to arch my head to see it ended well short of the ceiling. Looking around, I could see a curved path crossed ours further ahead, and other stepped paths made their way up to the top. Tiered fields filled the space between the paths, with grape and squash vines alternating sides. I noticed others running up and down those steps on other paths. It could have been me when I was younger had I known about it. I used to enjoy running as exercise; it helped build up my stamina for dance.

The building hosted a check-in interface and mobility aids should anyone need them. Kevin turned to me as we approached it, "Do you want to fish? Not everyone does, and that's okay. Socializing is a big part of this; those who aren't fishing sit around together, eating, talking, singing and telling stories. It's a small taste of what we do later." He winked. "Some of us never get on the water; we're too comfortable in the circle. But those who don't fish help clean and prep the catch at the party."

I had been wondering about the logistics of fishing and the party, but I also didn't know if I would care to eat any of the fish. It wasn't offered very often in the Eateries, and I hadn't liked it the few times I had tried it. But I had no idea if this was because I genuinely didn't care for fish or if it was the recipes used. Perhaps if I could wander around when they were cooking, I could see if I might like any.

"Alex said that those who catch the fish cook them; are they the only ones who cook?"

Kevin replied, "Anyone who wants to can help. I cook at every party, regardless of whether I go out onto the lake in the morning. There's a recipe an old friend taught me, and I make it every time. I use some of the walleye we catch, coat it in cornmeal and spices, and then fry it." His eyes closed briefly, and a smile lit his face. "It reminds me of my first time on this lake."

I was much more interested in the stories than in trying to catch fish, especially since I had no idea how it was done. "I think I'll choose to prep later on then. I'll be happier sitting and listening this time. It takes me a while to get comfortable around something new."

He nodded. It felt nice just to be accepted, and then he said, "I'm going back and forth about renting the equipment. I tend to leave most fishing for the younger folks now." He thought about it and eventually said, "Oh, who am I kidding? Of course, I'll be going in." With that decided, we completed our check-in and chose our rentals. I ordered a chair along with an eventware set at Kevin's suggestion. He ordered the items he had suggested to me and added something described as a double kayak, "just in case," along with the other equipment he needed for fishing. "It will all be on the other side of the hill, near the beach. We won't have to carry anything else up."

We began walking up the hill, each holding a handle of the cooler and carrying it between us. The climb was moderately steep but not overly long, and I followed Kevin's gentle pace, which, at first, left me with breath enough to enjoy the sights around me. The sky was lightening up, and the plants began to come into focus. We walked between two fields; to my right were grapes ready to be harvested, their fruit hanging low and heavy on the vines. The squash on my left ranged from seasonal to over-wintering varieties, still ripening with colors ranging from cream to light greens and darker, tinged with orange, painting a colorful, if muted, image against the dark green leaves they lay among. I realized this floor followed a seasonal calendar; not every ag floor did.

The path got steeper, and even Kevin's gentle pace soon became more challenging. Close to the top, I became aware I needed to catch my breath. I hadn't exercised in far too long and realized it was time to get back into a regular workout routine. Once we did make it to the top, I was speechless. It wasn't from lack of breath, even if I was breathing somewhat heavily. It was because I was seeing something new, something I had no experience of.

We stood at the top of a large bowl, its curved slope covered with trees and bushes anchoring the dirt. The green slope led down to a body of water as far as my eye could see, just the slightest shimmer of the platform tube distorting the view. The lake's edge was scalloped with trees and large rocks, creating shallow and shady water-filled areas lined with plants. Small beaches of light yellow sand were interspersed between those shallows. Our path continued downward, ending at a small building near the water line that I assumed contained the rental items. A group was milling around the closest beach, with several large objects I could not identify resting on the sand near the water. I could see tables filling up with food and a circle of chairs being set up on one side.

We walked down the slope to the building, thankfully a gentler and shorter walk, to gather our equipment. I could identify the items I had rented, but everything else was a mystery until Kevin began identifying them. The mystery objects on the sand turned out to be called kayaks, human-powered vehicles able to float on top of the water. Kevin's kayak was designated a double because it could hold two people. Suddenly, I was glad I had opted out of going out on the lake. I couldn't imagine being on top of so much water. I didn't even like pools and didn't know how to swim.

There were long rods, complete with a roundish device sticking out to one side, which he called a reel, attached closer to one end than the other. There was a tackle box which, when opened, had different compartments for items that looked like pieces of string tied together around thin pieces of a metallic substance. Kevin called these lures. He opened a small container containing worms harvested from the composting sites for bait. I saw safety buoyancy equipment, nets attached to handles, and even a knife. Kevin took some time to arrange everything we had rented onto the kayak.

We carried the kayak to the beach and placed it among the others, each bristling with its fishing equipment. We left the fishing equipment and took the rest to where everyone was gathered. I followed Kevin's lead, placing my chair where he indicated and walking with him to the group standing near the tables. I was surprised at how many were there, at least 40, and how diverse the group was, especially regarding age. The youngest among them seemed to be around ten; the oldest looking was, well, me.

Kevin took a closed container from the cooler, removed the lid, and placed it on a table already half-covered with various offerings. It turned out to be a thick and smooth dip smelling strongly of lemons and garlic, which I later discovered to be made of potatoes. Next to it, he set a plate of thick-cut bread. Kevin introduced me as we filled our plates with the different donations. I knew the evening would include a feast, and I wasn't used to eating large portions, so very little was going on my plate. He must have noticed since he told me, "We won't eat tonight until after sunset."

Paying attention to his words, I added more to my plate. He opened the cooler again, giving me a choice between beer and hard cider. I chose the cider; Kevin poured it for me and then a beer for himself. We carried our food back to the circle, and I noticed a few new chairs had been set up between the ones we had brought. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, especially when someone came and folded his long self onto the chair next to me. I studied my neighbor covertly as I fussed over my plate. He was of middle age, with long reddish crinkly hair he kept in braids gathered to lay behind his back. His eyes were a bright blue, with a keen gaze as he looked at me. He introduced himself as Amergin, and we chatted about nothing in particular as we ate. He had a slightly odd way of speaking, and sometimes, I found it hard to understand him.

Once almost everyone was seated and done eating, Kevin stood up and asked for our attention. After the chatter quieted, he spoke, "Everyone, I want to introduce Brandon. Ally and I met him a few months ago, and we thought he would fit right in." I was at a loss when all the conversation stopped, and people acknowledged me. What should I do? It turned out that smiling and nodding was enough. Kevin continued, "I see other new faces in the circle this morning. Would whoever brought someone who hasn't been with us before please introduce them now? "

Once the last introduction had been made, Kevin took back control. "I'd like to discuss our day briefly so everyone knows what we're doing. Now that we've finished the first round of eating and socializing, it's up to you and yours to decide what to do. You can relax here on the beach or take a kayak out.

"For those who prefer to stay on shore, it's a quiet day. We keep the beach and tables neat, sing songs, tell tales, talk, and relax. This is the pre-party, getting us ready for the main party tonight.

"If you want to take the kayaks and fish on the lake, we have a few instructors volunteering to help brush up your skills, give pointers and make sure all the kids know the basics. Everyone must wear safety equipment, no matter how good a swimmer you think you are.

 "We have a special subsidy permit from the habitat to take in more than the two fish per person limit. We estimate we need to bring in about a hundred pounds of fish for tonight, so for those who choose to fish, we need to weigh the catch. Remember the size limits; anything smaller than the images on the boat gets returned to the lake. You can do this; we trust you."

Someone spoke loudly, "And we trust you to cook them." Everyone laughed.

"Thanks for reminding me," Kevin smiled broadly. "For those here just for the party, remember your tasks begin at the Fest. That's where you'll help clean and prep the fish. After that, whoever wants to cook or learn how we'll gladly share our knowledge.

"Anyway, enjoy the day! Here we go!" He stepped away from his chair and came over to me, saying, "I'm going out on the water. Are you sure you don't want to come? There's plenty of room and equipment to go around."

I had already been uncomfortable with being on top of such a large body of water. Now that I was seeing the lake for the first time, I didn't need any time to think about it. "I think I'm fine on the shore this time. This all takes some getting used to."

"Suit yourself, I see you've met Amergin."

Amergin grinned, revealing solid teeth in a square jaw. "Aye, Kevin, we've just begun talking. A fine figure of a lad, I see. So he's gotten Alex's stamp of approval, has he?"

"Aw, knock off the phony accent, Amergin," said the woman sitting on my other side, who introduced herself as Amergin's cousin Dana. She was younger than Amergin, with slightly paler hair, she wore long and held back by braids worked into the sides of her head.

"Fine, Dana." Amergin began speaking more clearly, flashing Dana a look that asked if she was satisfied. As Kevin walked over to the kayaks, Amergen started quizzing me about how I met Kevin and Alex. I didn't want to talk about the experiment, so I just told him a mutual acquaintance had introduced Alex and me, and she had introduced me to Kevin.

People started singing a song I had never heard. I stopped talking and began to listen.

The song was disquieting. Why would anyone sing about torturing someone?

Amergin scowled. "That song is inappropriate today." I agreed with him until he spoke again: "The concept of sacrifice is much more appropriate at Lughnasadh for those here."

Dana, who had been singing loudly, possibly to compensate for Amergin's and my silence, replied, "Lighten up, Am. Most of these folks aren't part of any tradition, and you know it. They come for Pesci Fest, not Mabon.

I must have looked puzzled, so Amergin explained, "Dana and I embrace a pagan spirituality. This fest arose from our Sabbat of Mabon, colloquially known as Pagan Thanksgiving; it's the second harvest Sabbat, one of eight holidays we celebrate throughout the year. The first harvest Sabbat, which happens at the beginning of August, is known as Lughnasad. The themes of that Sabbat have an element of sacrifice, and the song just sung is all about sacrifice, well, that and getting drunk."

Dana laughed at Amergin's explanation and added, "John Barleycorn represents a sheaf of barley, and the song describes the steps of growing, harvesting and preparing the barley to be made into alcohol. It's an old folk song written over 400 years before the Catastrophe. "

Conversations resumed around me, and I sat quietly, listening. I didn't feel like interacting; I was simply content to be here in the moment. After a while, the first fishing group returned, and before anyone could go out again, a voice in the circle said, "Kevin, tell the young ones about your first fishing trip here before another group goes."

The chatter died down as soon as they heard Kevin was about to tell a story. He took a drink, leaned back into his chair and began telling the story of the second day he came down into the habitats with Alex, beginning their life here, and how he met his first best friend, Noodin Kasabien and his introduction to fishing on this lake. After he finished, the silence remained for a while, and then a few kids started asking to go fishing, 'like Noodin and Kevin'.

Gradually, the party shook off the silence; kayaks were ported, along with the equipment necessary to the endeavor: rods and reels, nets, and fish bags. Others moved towards the food again. Amergin and Dana had gone fishing, but I stayed in my seat, looking at Kevin. I had never thought about how different the world had been on the surface before the Catastrophe, and I had to remind myself Kevin and Alex were the only ones anywhere who had lived back then. It was hard to fathom, especially since both looked so much younger than me.

I sat, thinking of what I knew of the time in or out of the habitats before the Catastrophe. I didn't know much; the past wasn't a primary focus for most of us, other than a determination to never repeat the mistakes that led to humanity's current state.

In some ways, we are a placeholder generation, living in a situation humankind was never meant to occupy, thanks to the foresight and generosity of those original Foundation founders. We can only survive through our ingenuity and knowledge. We must keep both alive, passing it on to those who come after. We're also part of humanity's evolution, trying to reverse the thousands of years of ingrained behaviors that led our species to destroy almost every one of us.

Six generations ago, our ancestors began exposing the systemic and ancestral biases that ultimately worked against our species' viability. We continue the work, ensuring each generation does more to recognize our species' underlying instincts and why they exist. We strive to maintain the original instinct while neutralizing the adverse responses. An instinct for competitiveness, for example, need not succumb to violence or to a need to dominate above all. Call it directed social evolution, if you will. It's a slow process; after all, some of these instincts go back hundreds of thousands of years, possibly millions. But if we don't do it, who will? If not now, when?

Our lives were down here; we lived, loved, worked, played and learned under the Earth's surface. We lived by the ethics and rules of the Charter. We were moving away from the violence and insanity that seemed to grip the world the last years before the Catastrophe. No longer does might make something right. We were living a life most in the past could only dream of: the security of our physical needs being met, work we chose for our own reasons, our personal time to spend as we chose, and to spend it with whoever we chose.

Suddenly, I was seized with a desire to learn more. How did it compare then to what we have now? Would our progress continue without all the continuous conflicts that were part of our heritage? I could only hope we were building a strong enough foundation for our descendants to rely upon.

The party continued around me, and I decided to be slightly more social than I was. I went and got more to eat and listened to the conversations around me, sometimes even adding my voice, which surprised me. There were more stories; some I had heard before, others were new. But all of these were about the habitats as I knew them, stories usually told and shared, sometimes something new or older fables, tales about events gone to, and discussions of all sorts. It was relaxed talk, and I could drift along for the most part, which was very nice for me. I fielded the usual questions one would be asked when first meeting, but my first answers were accepted: I was single with no children and I had met Kevin and Alex through a mutual acquaintance. It seemed as if the fact Kevin and Alex accepted me was good enough for everyone else here.

Gradually, the kayakers returned from the lake, placing their catch in the coolers, which had been emptied in anticipation. Once they were filled and everyone who had wanted to go onto the water had their time, we cleaned up the beach and moved everything back to the rental area by the original path to be checked by an attendant. Bags of recycling were distributed for disposition on home floors.

Kevin and I said goodbye and began walking up and over the hill, dragging the now fish-filled cooler behind us. I was quiet again, returning to my thoughts. Everyone learned the broad strokes of our history, but not about the individuals who were part of it. I didn't think I had ever considered those recruited and who they left behind, the issues they brought with them, and what they had gone through to start creating the society we have now. I couldn't imagine anyone rejecting their child because of who they were drawn toward. I couldn't imagine being required to lie. I mean, intellectually, I could understand the justification. The people being lied to hadn't signed onto the Charter, so they weren't covered under it. The Charter never said signatories couldn't lie. Just those who were officials or anyone holding a position of trust or who wrote something purporting to have an underlying factual basis were required to be truthful with everyone else who had signed the Charter. I wasn't sure how I felt about the Foundation Board requiring those living down here to lie to those on the surface about their location, but there it was.

It was very different than the way we experienced life down here now. We embraced the words of the Charter and the spirit behind it. We embraced individualism and a shared value system. However, you chose to live so long as it was in accordance with the Charter was fine. We chose an expansive view across the spectrum of human experience, learning to live with people of all types with compassion and respect. However, I must admit we have few, if any, who exhibited the personality traits the Foundation rejected. Due to my upbringing, I see this as a positive.

I emerged from my thoughts as we approached the travel corridor. "Thank you for inviting me, Kevin. I had a wonderful time today. Do you need help with the cooler?" I felt bad because I had been so quiet; what must he be thinking about me?

He grinned, "I'm fine; I just want to get the fish smell off of me now. The party starts at 5:30, so you have time to get cleaned up and rest before. Remember we're meeting on Rec Floor 1, in our section, northwest quadrant. Tell anyone you meet you're my and Ally's guest; we'll find you."

As far as I was concerned, there was entirely too much time between when I returned from the lake and when Pesci-Fest would begin. I realized I was having difficulty focusing on anything, but it felt as though another aspect of my grief had been set free after this morning, and I no longer wanted to be alone. For a moment, I considered going somewhere just to get out of the house and be around others, but I began to comprehend my issue wasn't about being alone at this moment.

I knew I wanted to keep feeling like I had as I left the lake: quiet, thoughtful, and, yes, happy. A large part was about being accepted for who I was in the moment, something I hadn't experienced from anyone other than Cindy for a long time. When had I lost that? I remember having friends as a child and even as a younger man, but as Cindy and I grew older, they slowly drifted away without my noticing. Until no one knew me as anyone other than an acquaintance, a person with no real connections to any other. I didn't have a supportive group of friends to lean upon when she died. I don't know how different my life would have been had we fostered those friendships with others while she was with me. I did know I didn't regret any of the time and attention Cindy and I had given each other.

But now? There was a glimpse of what I wanted in the easy camaraderie I observed earlier. The children had played easily with one another; they were obviously well acquainted. It seemed very similar to the family dynamics I remembered as a young boy when my parents took me to those family gatherings everyone had loved so much. I was more a spectator than a participant when I went, unwilling to interact and more anxious to return to Cindy than be a part of the experience I was in. So I spent my time at those gatherings observing the interactions swirling around me like dance steps and found the patterns, the generational circles of connections. The closest ties, of course, were those with a direct ancestral lineage, parents and children, but the relationships between siblings and their families were almost as strong. It was only when the generations expanded that the bonds weakened. These gatherings' primary purpose was to facilitate connections across the generations and strengthen the ties of kinship. To find resonance with others with whom you shared ancestors. Everyone found their place in those groups regardless of their generation, and for the most part, everyone embraced the day and each other.

I realized I wanted that—not to be in the middle of it, as Kevin was, but to be accepted as one of a familial group. I longed for those connections I mostly lacked throughout my life, even as a child. But I had no idea how to satisfy my yearning. I let this truth sink into me; even if I was just recognizing the origins of my feelings, it still was progress. Finally I got up and began making my way to the party, unable to sit and wait any longer.

 I stepped onto the recreation floor fifteen minutes after the official start time. I quickly spotted the posted signs guiding me to a large oval field bowl built to host sports games. Once I reached the top of the bowl, I stopped to view what I was about to walk into. I saw small clusters of people already on the playing field, with more streaming down the slope, pulling loaded wagons behind them. Groups, singles and couples all greeted each other, laughing and chatting as they joined what I thought might be nearly a hundred people on the level playing field below. I turned my attention to the field, noting it was divided into three segments.

The furthest from me was a large circular area surrounded by a ring of stands holding large interface screens high above the ground. Those inside the ring were spreading blankets and unloading items from wagons. I noticed the blankets formed around but never intruded on a clear space around a small stage in the middle of the circle. The next segment appeared communal; I saw children racing around in complex patterns in the center. To one side of the playing children, I saw small groups engaged in conversations, and on the other end, I heard musicians playing while others listened and danced.

The area in front of me appeared to be for the feast, with tables dominating the scene closest to the communal area, already holding filled platters and bowls and stacks of eventware, with more being added every moment. Closer to me were kitchen setups with prep areas, grills and portable cooking equipment. Some of the stoves already had large pots resting on them, sending up puffs of steam. Those helping moved purposefully, unloading containers from the wagons and then unloading their contents and arranging cooking tools and containers of prepped ingredients close to where they would be needed.

Just then, a motion to one side caught my attention, and I turned to see someone struggling to move a top-heavy wagon loaded with containers, threatening to tip over on the sloping and somewhat uneven surface. I moved toward them, "Here, let me help you." The person struggling with the wagon stopped and looked at me with a smile lighting up their face, which I found very engaging. I held the back of the wagon steady and slowed the speed while they guided us to the serving tables. I stood up immediately once the wagon stopped by a stretch of tables near the communal field, stretching and easing my back.

"Thanks so much for your help; I'm Renee, she/her. I don't remember meeting you at one of these before. Is it your first time?" She was about ten years my junior, with a sturdy build and beautiful brown eyes that lit up with her engaging smile. I felt comfortable with her and I didn't understand why. It wasn't a feeling I had ever had so quickly before other than Cindy and, if I was being honest, Alex.

I hoped my confusion wasn't apparent on my face and replied quickly, "I'm Brandon, he/him. Alex and Kevin invited me."

Renee's smile brightened. "Oh! You're Brandon. Alex did mention your name when she sent the invitation. It's nice to meet you, and welcome to Pesci-Fest! I haven't seen either yet, but they should be here soon." I asked if I could continue helping her, and as we unpacked picnic-style tableware, we chatted. "Did you go fishing this morning?" she asked as she moved a container of plates over to a table and began to unpack and arrange them.

"I went to the lake but wasn't comfortable getting on the water." I mimicked her actions, grabbing a container of bowls and arranging them according to size on a table near her. "I have to admit, I was surprised when I found out there was a lake. I hadn't ever considered the possibility."

"Oh, come on. What section are you from? Surely fish is on the menu at your eatery sometimes."

"I live in Section 7 now, but for most of my life, I lived in Section 5. The eateries did serve fish, but I rarely tried any. And to be honest, I don't know why I didn't associate the fact fish were available meant they were being raised somewhere. Now it seems pretty obvious."

She paused momentarily, biting her lip slightly as if trying to keep a smile off her face. "Usually, it's only those who live in a section who task on their ag floors, and when we were introduced to the ag floors on the tasking tour, it was always the floors in our sections. So unless you had questions about where fish came from, I guess it's understandable why you would miss it."

"Yes, I remember my tasking tour," I smiled at the memory. "Section 5's specialty is a tall tropical floor. It was steamy and hot, with so many cool trees—bananas, coconut, shea, and cacao. One of the tasks I loved as a kid was climbing the tall trees to bring down the fruit. But you're right; I had no reason to think about it."

Renee told me., "Most of us learned about the lake from Kevin, and he was introduced to it by one of his best friends early on."

I was glad to show off what I had learned, "You mean Noodin? Kevin told the story about meeting him and his first fishing trip this morning."

"That's the one."

By this time, we had packed the now empty containers back onto the wagon, and I helped Renee move it over to one side, joining other wagons in a neatly parked line. She turned to me and said, "It was nice meeting you, Brandon, and I want to thank you again for your help. If you tell me where you plan on going, I'll send Alex and Kevin to meet you."

All the activity had made me warm and thirsty. I told her I was going to the drink station, and we parted ways.

I walked over to the table holding the drinks and, after surveying the available options, poured myself a rare treat: a tall glass of peach kefir. Besides the subtle sweetness, I enjoyed the sensation of the fizzy bubbles in my mouth. I was glad for the respite; I needed to readjust my thinking and expectations. For some reason, I had thought the crowd might be double the number from the fishing party. But there were many more—a few hundred at the very least, with still more coming down the slope. I saw children playing in the common area, running in giggling groups around groups clustered together, talking and laughing seeming to catch up as friends do. I felt alone and somewhat exposed, not knowing what to do or where to go. I didn't recognize anyone here. I sipped my drink and turned around, thinking I might volunteer to help in the kitchens. As I did so, I saw Alex and Kevin walking toward me hand-in-hand. She looked happy in a way I hadn't noticed before, relaxed with a smile on her face, bright and welcoming. I walked toward them, the feeling of being alone leaving me the closer I moved to them.

"Hello, Alex, hi again, Kevin. This is much bigger than I imagined; thank you for inviting me."

Alex dropped Kevin's hand and took mine; it was the first time I had experienced physical contact with her since I had sobbed in her arms a few days after we first met. There was a shock of recognition and familiarity; in some ways, it was like touching the hand of a close friend, who, no matter how much time had passed, the ease of contact never left. Still, in other ways, our hands fit in a way I had always associated with physical intimacy, but this was uncoupled from desire.

"It's good to see you, Brandon. I understand since you didn't fish today, Kevin is going take you to see to your share of the fish prep." She was smiling and almost giggly, if you could even think to call a formidable archetype giggly. "I, on the other hand, have been helping with the cooking earlier, so I have nothing else to do all day."

"Don't let her fool you, Brandon," Kevin said with a fond look at his wife. "She's got plenty to do the rest of the party, but she's right; you and I should go and do our share now." He gave Alex a lingering kiss, which seemed to imply more than just a simple leavetaking. Then, he poured a drink for himself and sipped it as he led me to the cooking stations. "Do you know how to clean a fish?" Kevin asked as we got to the prep stations. "If not, I'll show you."

He found two tables set up as fish-cleaning stations, side-by-side, and we each put on a pair of gloves stacked nearby. Since the fish had already been bled when caught, he began demonstrating the rest of the chore, starting with removing the scales by rubbing a dull knife the length of the fish against the direction of the scale which I found easy to pick up quickly. Kevin then showed me how to make a shallow incision in the belly and scoop all the guts into a composting container. It took me a while to master the cutting part, but once I did, I followed his lead in removing the fins and head into a separate container which would be used to make a stock. The now-cleaned fish went into yet another container.

I soon got in the swing of things and tuned out the rest of the party as I found my rhythm: scrape, cut, scoop, hack, toss. When my third fish bucket got swapped out with a clean one, I felt a tap on my shoulder as someone else was ready to take my place. Kevin was being replaced on his station, too. "I always like taking on the jobs no one else wants," he said as we walked towards the cooking stations, "Ally and I noticed early on even though everyone is equal and all of our work is subject to the same recompense, people still tend to evade the dirtier jobs. So when she or I take those on, others realize they also should. I guess I like being seen as a role model."

As we walked, I saw others I recognized from the lake also doing their share. Some of the cleaned fish was filleted for grilling or frying, and others were cut into chunks. I saw cooks adding fish bones, heads, and fins to steaming pots.

Kevin told me, "Once the stock is done, they'll pour it into even bigger pots and add vegetables prepped this morning and the chunks of fish. Then, they'll add herbs and spices for some of the best fish stews you'll ever have. Not to mention the bread served with it." By this time, we had arrived at a cooking station with individual frying pans neatly lined up. "This is where I stay for a while," Kevin said, "You go ahead and wander; Ally has a few blankets over at the front of the gathering area. You'll find her no problem."

I didn't go straight to the gathering area; I walked around all the places where different food was being prepared. Kevin's dish sounded tasty. I thought I would like to try it, but I also wanted to see how the rest of the fish was being cooked. I noticed some of the smaller fish laid into deep roasting pans, resting on a layer of cut-up vegetables. The entire pan was then wrapped before being set into portable ovens. I watched the stews Kevin had mentioned being made: a creamy concoction loaded with fish and potatoes and another tomato-based with a bright and spicy smell. I saw filets being grilled. My mouth started watering and I decided to leave before I snatched something.

I walked around the middle of the field for a time, dodging groups of children chasing one another or engrossed in outdoor games; their bright laughter caught on the slight breeze overlaying the music it already carried to me. Finally, I found myself near the stage area and saw Alex sitting on a blanket, chatting with those sitting with her and others walking by. She saw me and immediately waved me over with a smile. Once I arrived, she indicated I should sit next to her. As I did so, I was happy to notice one of the people Alex was speaking to was Renee. We greeted one another, and Renee told Alex how helpful I'd been earlier.

"Did you have a good time this morning at the pre-party?" Alex said, "Kevin thought he could get you on the water, at least for a few minutes."

 "I did have a good time, but I was happy just being on the beach, listening to everyone." She accepted my brief reply as the group continued socializing. Alex introduced me and included me as others came up. It was a beautiful day; I felt happy being where I was and wanted it to continue.

After a while, Kevin walked up with a couple at his side, "Renee, look who I found." Renee stood up and greeted the two, introducing them to me as Leslie (she/her) and Furaha (they/them).

"Leslie and I are the grandparents to these lovely beings," Renee said as she corralled a few children running up to her, shrieking and hugging her legs with glee. Once they were done with her, they ran to Leslie and her partner, doing the same.

I moved over, sitting closer to Renee so Kevin could sit next to Alex. Comfortable conversations ebbed and flowed around us as Leslie and Furaha found places to sit and joined in. It was easy, and I didn't notice how much time had passed until a speaker system attached to the video screens around us came to life.

"Can everyone come to the gathering field for the blessing?" As the words were spoken, a group emerged from the preparation area, carrying a large platter. They placed it on a low table on the stage in the middle. The platter was filled with small amounts of what I thought might be all the different foods I had seen being placed on the tables. Alex rose, picking up a long pouch lying by her side.

"Time to earn our meal," Kevin winked at me and rose to join Alex. They held each other's hands as they walked slowly and solemnly to the stage. Everyone stood up, and I followed their lead, standing beside Renee, waiting to see what would happen next. Once Kevin and Alex were on the stage, each positioned opposite the other across the platter, she drew a black-handled knife out of a sheath held in the pouch, handing it to Kevin, and then out came a long, thin stick, which she held loosely in her right hand. She looked at the crowd still standing away from the stage and waved them to come closer. I noticed Kevin stayed where he was as if he were rooted to his spot. Alex stepped off the stage and moved through the crowd, coming to a stop only when she was beyond everyone, standing alone. Everyone faced toward the middle of the circle they formed, arms crossed in front of their chests, silent, waiting.

Taking the stick, she held it loosely in her hand, pointing the end to the ground and walking around the outside edge of everyone gathered, all while saying.

I cast this circle around those we love,
As it is below, so shall it be above

As she returned to the original starting point in the eastern compass point of the circle, she raised her arm, holding the stick at shoulder height as if she were raising an invisible ring from the ground as she went around again.

Round the circle three times spin,
Hold our care and friendship well within

Returning to the same direction, she began to trace yet another circle, her arm rising as if to bring the ring to the top above us. I finally realized it wasn't a circle she was tracing but a sphere.

We tread this circle a third time around,
May we forever be grateful for the family we've found.

I had never witnessed anything like this; it was intriguing.

Alex returned once again to the eastern compass point and faced away from the stage, turning her back on everyone before speaking again,

 "Spirits of the East, we welcome you to our Feast!" She strode to each compass point, similarly greeting each direction, and then returned to the stage, where she stood next to Kevin. She gave up her stick to someone beside her and exchanged it for a large cup.

Turning to Kevin, she held the cup in one hand while he placed his opposite hand on hers. With his other hand, he had the knife turned so the blade hung down, and she put her hand over his.

They took turns intoning a set of phrases as they slowly lowered the tip of the knife into the cup.

Let it be known that all are equal, having value
and worthy of love and esteem.

While each of us is an individual,
we are also part of the whole

And when we come together
in the spirit of cooperation and respect

We find we each contribute to that which becomes something greater than ourselves.

It became apparent as the knife was fully lowered into the cup; together, their entwined hands made the ancient symbol of infinity; their arms, hands, and the tools they grasped resembled an intertwined set of circles, a figure eight.

As it is above, so shall it be below,
and so we know the truth

The greatest magic of all surrounding us
is that which manifests through our connections and our love.

The last sentence was repeated loudly by almost everyone around the stage. Kevin released his hold on the cup as Alex released the knife. He took the knife in both hands and dipped it into the cup, sprinkling a dark liquid onto the platter before him.

Alex, joined by almost everyone, began reciting a poem as Kevin continued to sprinkle the drops onto the plate:

SO MOTE IT BE!

Alex and Kevin slowly lowered the knife and cup; Kevin took both and placed them on the table, to one side of the platter. Alex held silent, waiting until everyone had quieted before saying, "Welcome to Pesci-Fest, everyone. It's been a while since we've gathered, and I am so glad to see everyone here."

She looked over the crowd, smiling at those in front of her gaze, her eyes finally resting on me. "I want to introduce you to a new friend with whom Kevin and I have had the pleasure of becoming acquainted over the last few months." She beckoned me to join them on the stage. I felt a warmth wash over me and knew I was blushing. I began walking toward her in a daze. Once I stepped onto it, they positioned themselves on either side of me. Kevin grabbed my hand, and to my astonishment, the feelings I had experienced when Alex touched me earlier were similar to what I felt at Kevin's touch. Then Alex took my other hand, and I snuck a glimpse at Kevin; he could feel it too; I'd bet everything I was.

Alex continued, "Brandon Sheehan currently lives in Section 7. We met as part of my duties, and Kevin and I felt a connection to him, as we feel with so many of you. It seemed appropriate to invite him to this party and introduce him. Please join me in welcoming Brandon."

I continued blushing, and once she finished, the crowd shouted, "Welcome, Brandon!" Many of them also waved, causing me to blush even more.

 Alex looked at me and said, "I understand not wanting to be singled out, but I want our friends to know who you are and why you are here. Kevin and I feel you would fit into our group of friends and family, so we wanted everyone to meet you."

Kevin added, "We all need good friends we can trust, Ally, most of all. There aren't many she feels able to be open with. But we still need connections with others beyond each other. Everyone at this party is what you might call our family group. We socialize with them to varying degrees, sharing meals, conversations, and outings. Some, like you, we've met as adults; others are here because of a relationship with someone we already associate with. Most though we've known since they were children, the descendants of those we were close to in the past." He looked at me, "We can just be ourselves with them, which we both need. Ally especially."

I was speechless; they were offering me a chance to become a part of those they considered friends and family. They wanted to keep the connections I had started building with them. It was more than I ever thought possible. Yes! Yes!

"I would very much like to be included in this," I said, looking at them. "Meeting you both and talking with Alex has helped me heal in a way I wasn't expecting. Of course, I'll always miss Cindy, but today, I feel there might be a place in myself to experience happiness again."

The crowd was slowly making its way to the tables. "Get yourself something to eat, Brandon; we'll meet you back at the blankets," Kevin said before he and Alex began to stroll toward the feast.

I found myself next to Renee again, surrounded by her grandchildren, "I'm holding on to them until their parents come back with dinner. We've discovered it's just easier this way. I'll go with you to get food once they return."

I figured this was a good time as any to get an explanation of what had just occurred. "Could you tell me about what just happened?"

She considered me briefly before answering, "Alex is a High Sacerdote of her Wiccan tradition, known as the Witches Head Tradition. Pesci-Fest started as a Mabon Feast, a harvest festival occurring around the Autumn Equinox when the days and nights are of equal length. The feast was the most important part of the holiday, and the camaraderie in creating the meal was always an important part of the celebration. So, Alex told me as time passed and their family expanded beyond her tradition; they opened this party to all their family, her tradition and their friends. Kevin loved to fish and started to bring friends out in the morning as their feast contribution. The fishing party grew, and finally, they named it Pesci-Fest, and well, you can see what it's become.

"We take small portions of every dish offered and place them on a platter called the libation plate. We bless the foods on the plate by blessing the wine first and then using the knife to direct the blessing onto the libations. Because the food on the libation plate is still energetically connected to the food on the table, all the food is blessed, and everyone receives the blessing as we eat.

The blessing of the feast is essential; it creates something greater than ourselves. The food we've caught, prepared and now will eat together connects us to each other and to the community." She paused, studying me before speaking again. "May I ask you a question, Brandon?"

After I nodded, she asked, "Where is your family? Usually, when Alex and Kevin introduce someone new into the group, it's along with their families. And the families remain even when circumstances shift. In my case, Leslie and I drifted apart while we were raising our kids. Once they were out of the house and on their own, we just didn't have much in common, so we parted. I'm closer to Alex than Leslie was, but Leslie and our kids are still a part of this, and when Leslie and Furaha committed to each other, she was warmly welcomed."

I steeled myself, "My partner died about two years ago, and we never had children. We were both only children, without much in the way of family, and we were pretty locked into each other. We had a lot of acquaintances but not many close friends. After she died, it was hard for me to be around anyone I already knew. This is the first time I've been around many people for a long time, and I must admit it's taking some getting used to." Amazingly, my reaction wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I was actually proud of myself.

Before we could continue, Renee's family returned, and the children deserted her for their dinner. She watched them go and, then turning to me, said, "Well, you and I seem comfortable with each other. Shall we go and fill our plates?" I offered my arm, and we strolled over to the tables, bulging with food, taking our place in line.

I could survey the spread more clearly as the line moved past the tables. We first came to various vegetables and grains, each prepared differently, alongside fresh sourdough and other breads. I saw fruits, cheeses and desserts, many of them appearing to feature chocolate. But the main course seemed to be fish. I saw token amounts of other proteins, which all looked tasty, but nothing compared to the buffet of fish dishes before us. I took some of Kevin's fried wall-eye and the creamy fish stew I had seen earlier. Renee opted for the spicer stew and a grilled trout topped with what she told me was a chimichurri sauce. It all looked delicious. We agreed to share our portions to taste more of the dishes.

She began explaining the table to me. "One of the customs of Mabon was if you wanted to eat something the rest of the year, it should be on the table today. We try to work with groups of ingredients rather than specifics, which means we get a good variety, but we try not to overdo it." She paused and said, "I remember a year when there was no chocolate on the table; Alex got upset; we had to wait until she could get some from a specialty co-op before she would begin the blessing." She chuckled, "Since then, there tends to be a large chocolate representation."

Everything looked and smelled delicious, and suddenly I was hungry. We returned to the blankets and sat near Alex and Kevin. Renee and I shared, and I tried every fish dish on our plates, finding each one delicious. I was glad; fish, or at least catching them, seemed very important to Kevin. Conversations focused on the food, sharing critiques and tastes when someone found something extra delicious. Everything I ate was great. I was in a daze of contentment, letting the sounds of everyone wash over me in a giant wave. I basked in the warmth of my happiness.

Eventually, the number of people moving back and forth between the food and the blankets ceased. Conversations quieted as the libation plate was removed from the stage, a chair replacing it. Alex smiled at me and said, "My turn."

She sat on the chair in the middle of the stage, her face filling the screens around us. "Tomorrow marks the one hundred forty-ninth anniversary of the nuclear war, which ended in catastrophe. The story I choose to tell tonight takes us from our ancient beginnings to the time our more recent ancestors destroyed the surface and then to the decisions and choices made by those who were our founders, which we continue to benefit from. This story but skims the surface, unfurling the tapestry of humanity's history, displaying who we were, who we are and hinting at who we will become."

As she began, the screens started filling with images matching the times and places she spoke about. I listened and watched and began to get a sense of where we had come from in a way the history lessons never had. While broadly framed, this story came from her recollections, not those of historians, far removed from the subject.

Once the story ended, the silence continued. After a moment, she left the stage and returned to Kevin, his head bowed and resting on his hands, silent. She sat beside him, and he raised his head as she took one of his hands and remained with him still and silent. I imagined they were both reliving their lives. The rest of the party slowly returned from the silence; people began moving around, forming smaller groups scattered across the field bowl. I heard talking, laughing, and even retelling of lighter stories; the music started, and so did the beat of drums, the sounds drifting over to the blankets I was on. I didn't know what to do; staying was awkward, and leaving even more so. So I chose to stay and instead thought about the stories I had heard today. I knew the basics of our history, of course. Everyone learned something of it, but the small details Kevin and Alex had alluded to spoke of much more than the bare basics we learned. I wanted to know more about our history, not only of the time within the habitats but what had gone on before.

After a while, Kevin and Alex seemed to have recovered, and they rose from their seated positions, standing hand in hand. They saw me still sitting there, and Kevin spoke. "We're going to go mingle. Thank you for coming, Brandon; we really enjoyed your company, and I hope we can get together soon."

Alex added, "Would it be okay if I schedule some time with you next week?"

Even after what they told me earlier, I felt relieved when they both confirmed they wanted to see me again. "I'd like that. My schedule is pretty wide open; pick a time that works for you."

Alex laughed, "I'll do that. Enjoy the rest of your evening." She smiled at Renee, who was just walking up, and she and Kevin walked away to wander around the different groups gathered on the green.

Renee sat down next to me, looking a little hot and flushed. "I've always enjoyed dancing, and when I was younger, I could dance for hours, but I just don't have the stamina I used to."

Before I knew it, I was telling Renee about my love of dance. She listened quietly, and it seemed to me, without judgment, when I talked about how Cindy and I had participated in dance performances and taught classes. Our talk drifted to music, art, and literature; before I knew it, the evening was coming to a close. I realized I had been able to talk about Cindy without breaking down in tears. It was almost as if she was happy I was living a regular life. It was a gift from her I was ready to accept.

We joined others in cleaning up the space, and finally, when everything was cleaned up and the wagons were loaded, Kevin walked over to the stage and said, "Family and friends, thank you for another wonderful Pesci-Fest. It's a party close to Alex's and my heart, and each one reminds us how important it is to surround all of us in love. It's time to bring this one to a close, though, and I'd like to do so with a song."

He began singing; after the first line, those with instruments picked it up, and the sound grew as others joined in. It was an ancient but well-known song for most of us, somehow poignant after Alex's story. I looked at the tears tracing a shining path down Kevin and Alex's faces and was again reminded it wasn't just a story for them; it was part of their lives. The song had been written more than fifty years before the Catastrophe, but it transcended time in a way few songs had. Everyone knew "Imagine"; it was an anthem of hope and possibilities, and while the lyrics didn't quite measure up to how we lived now in the habitats, they reflected the hopes and dreams of their time. It was a suitable homage to the hope and dreams of humanity.

The song's last words, "And the world will live as one," faded from the air as Kevin and Alex walked up the sides of the bowl. I watched them go and then exchanged contact information with Renee.

I started the short trip back to my house, tired from such a long day, but oh so much lighter than I had felt in such a long time.