Taming the Weasels

Mika Phillips - March 24, 2017

2017 Therapy Journal, Entry 72

Hey Journal, today has just been a day. There's not a lot about it I can share in group since everything is at least work adjacent. I decided to write this before I leave the office, while the details are still fresh in my mind, and I can copy over some conversations.

I've been working with my therapist for five years and any progress has been sporadic because my inner critic is still so very loud and feeds my self-doubt. There haven't been many days when cause and effect were as visible to me as it has been today. And so I want to bookmark this entry to re-read on days when I come up short, as a reminder of how much I am progressing. Trust me, I know the weasels will always make an appearance, but it helps knowing the tools I have actually work. And today, I have proof; today, I remembered and applied a therapy lesson.

It all began two days ago when Alex Hanlon officially assumed her duties as Director of Liaisons, and together we met with a handful of liaisons who worked in the storefronts. I first met Alex in December, after she accepted the position and before she and her husband returned topside. She'd asked me to arrange what she called a listening meeting, to be held as soon as possible once they were here permanently. I passed her request on to Blair.

She did something unexpected after the meeting, and I've been running non-stop as a result, trying to juggle my regular work alongside all the unscheduled calls and meetings. I've had calls with Richard Forester and Gerold, as well as multiple conversations with Blair. Then there was the unexpected in-person meeting with Effie to discuss everything. All of my scheduled working hours for the week are gone, and I'm nowhere near finished with the work I have to complete.

It's been a lot; in fact, I haven't even had time to sit and really process what happened during our meeting until this morning, when it all began replaying in my mind.

I remember seeing a few unfamiliar faces around the meeting circle. Why didn't I know them? When was the last time I'd even talked with someone who regularly worked in the storefronts? How did Blair know them? Why had Blair decided to invite these specific liaisons to the meeting?

My stomach began to clench as the scene continued to play.

Throughout the meeting, every liaison recognized something needing improvement, except for me. They didn't just have complaints; they had suggestions on how to improve everyone's lives. Why hadn't I ever thought about the subjects the other liaisons had brought up? Had I ever asked any liaison an open-ended question?

I began feeling dizzy, lightheaded and oh so hot. My inner critic and brain weasels came out to play in full force, questioning whether I was the right person for the position. Why did I ever think I had what it takes to head anything, much less the entire Liaison organization in NAHE?

It had been an ever-downward spiral throughout my life; the more responsibility I accepted, the more I questioned my suitability. I spent so much of my time and energy trying to suppress and ignore my impostor syndrome, I just never noticed what was happening all around me; what kind of person is so oblivious to everything around them?

I felt waves of hot shame wash over me and realized I should step down, nominate Blair to take my place, and go back to working in the storefronts. I know I'm not supposed to base my identity on my work, but sometimes those feelings are hard to control, and at that moment, I felt worthless. All I wanted was to stay in bed and huddle beneath my covers, succumbing to the weasels, but I had obligations I couldn't miss today.

Then I remembered a therapy lesson.

Spend time with trusted confidants and allow ourselves to understand how others view us.

Given everything going on, I really wanted to talk with Evelyn. I'd been her assistant when she was head; even more importantly, we'd built a solid friendship. She'd always been there for me, even after she retired. I consider her a mentor, a sounding board, and someone I trust implicitly. She always answers my questions truthfully and never hesitates to tell me the hard truths as she sees them.

So I messaged her and asked her to meet me for a walk after my first meeting.

Evelyn and I met at her favorite treadroom and rented a double. Considering Evelyn is shorter and thirty years older, I programmed in a slower walk than I would have if I were alone. After stowing our stuff in the wall locker, we moved into the center of the room, and I started the program.

The room first transformed into an alpine meadow, under an azure sky, surrounded by snow-capped mountains in the distance; their slopes filled with pine trees. Masses of brilliant, vibrant yellow five-petaled flowers, their stamens blending into the petals, grew on either side of the dirt path, which began moving beneath our feet. Single vibrant orange and gold many-petaled flowers were sprinkled here and there.

I've always found it easier to open up in a place like a treadroom. Set up a quiet and meditative setting, walk and let go. I turned on my recorder, and we started walking silently for a few moments. Walking next to Evelyn was calming, and I slowly found a rhythm in my pace and breathing.

She broke the silence first, her breathing slightly heavy. "I understand it's been hectic; how are you doing with everything?"

I realized she knew something and looked straight at her, noting her face was just beginning to show pink. I adjusted our speed down slightly before replying, "You spoke with Alex today before the meeting, didn't you?"

"I did. She wanted to know our history before she met with the Liaison Heads, so I brought her up to speed."

I didn't want to come out and ask about what they had discussed, and part of me dreaded the answer, so I grinned and acted like I didn't care. "Anything I should know about?"

The sun began to peek above the mountain tops, brightening the flowers around us as she considered. "Not really; tell me about the meeting with all the heads."

I couldn't repress a small laugh, "It was more of a short speech than a conversation, which I found surprising given the in-person meeting a few days ago. After introductions, Alex explained her need to learn about the liaisons as an organization and gain insight into our residents. She spoke about meeting with a diverse group of liaisons here in NAHE this past Wednesday, and said she would like to attend something similar virtually with each habitat. She asked each head to set up a meeting using the same criteria Blair did, with a schedule beginning in April. She discussed requesting a secure feed group for ongoing conversations and invited everyone to travel here in three months, so we can all work together for a few weeks. The whole meeting lasted less than ten minutes."

The scene around us changed. The meadow our path wound through now had small purple flowers waving gently around us, each petal serving as a backdrop to delicate black tracery ending at the bottom of a bright yellow stamen. Above us, sunlight poured onto two straight and tall trees standing side by side, high above their fellow pines growing thickly on the lower slopes.

Evelyn observed, "Smart, keep it quick, a personal meet and greet, short and to the point. Considerate of her since the habitats span fourteen time zones."

I hadn't thought about time zones as the reason she had kept it so brief. "She made everyone meet during our working hours; how considerate is that?" Then, it hit me, and I answered my own question. "Oh, I see, she's swapping. It was convenient for her this time, and she's making a point so everyone knows she's treating everyone equally."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Evelyn's white hair fly away from her face as she turned her head sharply to look at me. "What are you talking about?"

"Right after the meeting ended, I received a message she sent to all the heads. She attached the invitation criteria and a schedule with the dates and times for all the listening meetings she requested. I looked at it briefly. She's scheduled two meetings three times a week, and I just realized she set them up to coincide with each habitat's daytime working hours. I hadn't thought about it, not until just now. I feel for her; dealing with all those time zones over three weeks isn't going to be easy."

"The time zones were one of the reasons why the heads stopped meeting." Evelyn sounded apologetic. "No one wanted to interrupt their sleep for the convenience of others. What Alex proposes puts everyone on an equal footing and lets them know she considers their well-being as well as her own. And you're right, jumping between time zones will give her a prolonged case of jet lag."

She abruptly changed the subject, "What can you tell me about the listening meeting?"

Evelyn has always been careful about asking about my official responsibilities, which I appreciated. Before I answered, I took a moment to consider whether anything had happened during the meeting itself requiring discretion and decided there was not.

"There were five other liaisons in the meeting, Blair, and four others who worked in the storefronts, each one from a different section. The only other person who attended was Gerold, and Blair told me later that he had called her and invited himself. The meeting started normally with introductions, but once Alex asked an open-ended question, the floodgates opened."

"What do you mean, the floodgates opened? Are they upset with their jobs?"

I had to laugh at that, "No, not at all. She asked everyone to share their experiences as both a liaison and a resident. She wanted to know what we could do better.

"But when everyone started talking, it was obvious her question didn't even matter. It became a brainstorming session, throwing questions at Gerold and each other. It felt like nothing was off-limits.

"I wasn't sure how anyone thought some of the subjects could even be considered part of what the Liaisons do. Someone brought up the need for an elected government, and another discussed providing a more structured orientation path for new residents, instead of just assuming their neighbors will help them figure out how to live here. Someone brought up the need for more social and extended family-oriented connections, since almost everyone comes here as a single person or with just their immediate family. Someone brought up the Charter and making sure we taught its values, which brought up education and helping children find activities they excelled at and then somehow moved into a discussion of laws and ethics."

I began to feel my face growing hot again, and I wanted to stop, but I kept my eyes looking ahead, kept walking, and let everything pour out of me.

"I don't understand how I have just been walking around this place, day after day, being so oblivious. Why hadn't I ever thought about those parts of living down here? Every person Blair invited to the meeting had thoughts —lots of thoughts. Why hadn't I ever asked what else the Liaisons could do to help those we serve?"

I felt myself start to shake, and I fought to contain the emotions swirling just below the surface. "I'm so sorry, Evelyn, I've let you down. It's pretty obvious I'm not the right person for this position." I felt the tears begin sliding down my cheeks; Evelyn paused the program, slid a bench out from the wall and led me to it. She opened the locker holding our belongings and grabbed our water bottles before sitting beside me. I drank and let the tears come, unable to stop them, as she sat silently next to me, holding space.

She waited until I calmed down before speaking. "Now you listen to me, Mika. You're doing a fine job; I trained you myself. You're organized and a good manager. You have a great rapport with your coworkers. Your skill set is perfect for the position you fill and entirely different from the requirements Alex needs for the job she was recruited for."

Could I believe her? "But."

She said firmly, "I know I've told you bits and pieces of our early history, but I don't know if I ever put it all together for you like I did for Alex." Evelyn took a drink from her bottle, leaned back, and reminisced.

"You know the Board has always concentrated on the long-term objective of saving humanity itself, while Habitat Administration focuses on each habitat's physical, technological and logistical requirements. None of which translates into considering individual needs.

"Once three sections were populated, the Board decided the habitats were close to gaining a sustainable population, even if they didn't believe there were enough to require a representative government yet. They implemented a third pillar, the Liaisons, who would focus on the needs and priorities of the people themselves.

"The mandate from the Board was for the Liaisons to look upon every person in the habitats as an individual and to focus on helping each with their individual issues and grievances. They also included a requirement for the liaisons to help residents in the habitats maintain connections between each other."

I couldn't help myself, "The third mandate? The one saying, 'act as a conduit between the people of the habitats?'"

Evelyn looked at me steadily and said, "Yes, and it was never your job to implement it."

She paused, "Twenty of us were recruited to lead the Liaisons, one to a habitat. My recruitment leaned heavily on the work I did on the surface, where I managed a large customer service organization. It was only later that I learned each of us was recruited from the same industry. In some ways, it was good; we all spoke the same language of customer service. It also had its difficulties; we couldn't get past seeing everything through the filter of the customer service arm of a large company.

"Believe me when I tell you, I understand the time zone issue. Once we were all down here, we began meeting by video to determine what our organization would do, how many positions we needed to fill, and our base requirements for those positions.

"We met multiple times and agreed on our current structure, opening a customer service office on each residential floor to serve the residents directly, with support staff in each section to help solve issues brought to their attention. Everyone agreed the storefronts went a long way toward fulfilling the first and second mandates.

"By the time the storefronts opened, most of us were sick and tired of meeting at all hours. We tried to be fair, but those on the edges of the time zones felt the burden of late nights more often than those in zones clustered together and let the rest of us know it. It didn't help that most of us felt protective of our home habitats, and any discussion of rescheduling for the convenience of specific time zones felt like a slap in the face to others, especially when the requests came from European or North American habitats.

"The third mandate proved too much for us. If I'm being honest, we gave up. We couldn't think past the storefronts or find any real way to connect them. We couldn't see past our own experiences.

"We finally agreed we needed one person to direct all the individual habitat organizations. Someone from the outside who knew, from the beginning, their responsibilities were to everyone living in every habitat. We compiled a list of requirements we thought were necessary for the position, and once it was complete, each of us admitted we didn't come close to matching them. So we sent it to the Foundation Board and asked them to find and recruit someone who best matched our wish list."

She laughed sharply, "It was a very detailed list; we wanted to find someone who could look beyond the storefronts and devise a way to fulfill the third mandate. We wanted a director who could see all the people of the habitats, not as anonymous groups, but as individuals within groups. We found ourselves listing qualities such as being logical and compassionate, having a strong sense of boundaries, who would stand up for the people we served, as well as for the liaisons themselves. We wanted them to find someone who could be in service to the Charter, recognizing and upholding its underlying principles. Someone who could recognize the responsibility, along with the power bestowed upon them and be able to handle both appropriately."

I don't know why, but my heart lifted when I heard what everyone had wanted in a director. Maybe because I knew I didn't fit what they were looking for either.

Evelyn gave a short laugh. "Then, because we knew how organized each of us had to be to manage our separate organizations, we threw in our last requirement: the person recruited also had to have experience managing a large and far-flung organization.

"We might as well have wished for a unicorn. The board searched, and during this time, the heads stopped meeting. Then we stopped talking across the habitats, and our focus turned inwards to our own. I can't remember the last time I had a message from any other habitat, and I don't believe you've had any contact until today's meeting?"

I nodded, and she went on.

"A year or so before I retired, Effie and I sat down and discussed the position search. She asked me how important I thought it was for a candidate to have the strong international management background we had requested. They hadn't been able to identify anyone who came even close to meeting most of our other priorities with the management experience we required.

The question was being asked of every Liaison Head by every Foundation Board member, and in the end, we all gave the same answer. We decided the management requirement could be deprioritized since every habitat organization possessed liaisons with those skills."

Evelyn went silent, took another drink of water, and I thought about our conversations over the years. I realized she had told me most of it at one time or another. I'd never even realized there were dots, much less how to connect them. Blair probably would have been able to figure it out. Once again, I felt as if I were just sleepwalking through my job, and once again, I found myself fighting back tears.

"Evelyn, I'm so ashamed I could never piece it together."

Evelyn didn't get annoyed often, but you could always tell when she was, and she was annoyed right then. "So you don't think you were clever enough to stitch together all my ramblings over the years and assemble a complete story? While you never asked about the other heads, I never mentioned anything except perhaps some small recollections. Mika, you did the job you were trained for, you've done it well, and nobody ever asked or expected you to do more."

I looked at the ground before me, trying to calm down; an image of white-petaled flowers, each surrounding a bright yellow stamen, filled my gaze. I lost the battle to contain my tears.

"Mika, what's going on?"

I burst out with it. "I don't understand why every storefront Liaison had an issue immediately come to mind when Alex asked one question, and everyone started pouring their thoughts out like water spilling over a dam. Why didn't I notice anything they were talking about? Why didn't I ever ask a question like she did? Evelyn, am I really the right person for my position? I'm seriously considering resigning and recommending Blair."

"Where's this self-doubt coming from, Mika? I told you what qualities we were looking for in the director; well, let me tell you what I was looking for in my replacement. I wanted someone like me: someone who's heads down in their work, organized, and personable. You're good with those you manage directly, as well as those you don't. You can resolve complex and complicated issues as long as they are presented to you in full."

Evelyn shook her head.

"You were never meant to do more than you've been doing. In those early meetings, none of us wanted to be able to change the foundational concepts unilaterally. We agreed to maintain the initial structure until we had a well-qualified director to determine our direction. Now, I can't and won't tell you what to do, but I will ask you to reconsider and continue in your position until you understand where Alex will take the organization."

"If you believe you should notice more or ask more open-ended questions, then figure out why and how you might work to change the situation. Your therapist should be able to help you."

See! This is why my therapist recommends being open to trusted friends like Evelyn. When I plunge into self-doubt and impostor syndrome, I can't always access facts I already know, like the fact that I am actually quite good at my job as it is defined.

Thankfully, she changed the subject.

"You've met Alex a few times in person; what do you think about her?"

I felt better and turned so I could return Evelyn's calm gray-blue gaze. "The first time I met her was after she accepted the position. I found her very focused, and she asked a lot of questions, mainly about the Liaison organization and structure. She was more concerned with the how instead of the why.

"Which probably explains my surprise at how she ran the listening meeting. She came across as calm and sincere and listened to what everyone had to say without interjecting her own opinions. Even at the end, she only asked a few questions, usually connected to something someone had said earlier. My first impression is positive, and I hope we have a good working relationship."

Evelyn smiled at my response. "I had some of the same impressions when we spoke. Have you had any contact with her since the in-person meeting?"

"Just an early morning talk yesterday, and this morning's meeting." I decided I could tell Evelyn, "Something happened after the in-person meeting. Effie and Richard Forester came in at the end; they were there to take Alex to lunch, and after almost everyone else had left, well, I don't want to get into the details. But Effie asked Alex about something Alex had said, and it became a whole thing. Then, Alex went into some sort of trance and gave us a timeline."

"A timeline? A timeline for what?"

"A timeline for when everything might blow topside. She thinks there might be some sort of pandemic in 2020, and what might be a major world war could happen in late 2024."

Evelyn didn't bat an eye, "Do you believe her? What are your plans if it happens?"

I couldn't help it; I snorted. "It's been less than two days, Evelyn; what makes you think I could possibly have a plan? I'll tell you what I told Richard: regardless of anything, having a pandemic plan makes sense, and we might also benefit from a deadline, even if it doesn't happen."

She sat quietly, and while I wanted to look at her, I couldn't make myself. Instead, I focused on the image of tall pink flowers, caught in a bright yellow sunbeam as I waited to hear what she would say next.

"Alexandra asked me what I thought of you. I told her I am confident in your ability to lead the NAHE liaisons, which I am. It's too soon to know where Alex will lead the Liaisons, but I, for one, appreciate that she's listening to a variety of people across the habitats before she makes any decisions. The Liaisons are going to change, how or into what remains to be seen. I'm sure you'll be asked to go beyond the scope of your current position. Give some careful thought as to how you might respond."

The mountains and meadow disappeared as our surroundings blanked out, and lights came on overhead; our rental time was over. We retrieved the rest of our belongings and left the room, Evelyn still talking.

"If you can, make it a priority to get her some support staff. I'm impressed with the scheduling she did across time zones, but she has much bigger tasks ahead. She needs an assistant and if you could find someone with the necessary skills, you'd be doing her a huge favor. A liaison or someone else; it doesn't matter. She'll need her own staff with everything she's tasked to do."

I cannot express how much better I felt. Evelyn told me I was doing a good job and had given me some clarity into what I needed help with. And even more topics to talk about in therapy. Yay?

"Thank you, Evelyn, I won't resign; thank you for reminding me. And, of course, I'll try to find someone to assist Alex. It's a great idea."

And so we left the treadrooms, and I headed to the Eatery to pick up lunch before my next appointment.

As I sat in my office eating my salad, I thought about what Evelyn had said about all the qualifications the heads had asked for in a director, and I knew I wasn't up for it. Why was I freaking out about something I didn't want? It would be difficult enough when all the heads met live, but it looked like Alex would deal with it more than anyone else. Somehow, knowing I wasn't what they were looking for made me feel better. I didn't want to be the director; I liked being the habitat head.

I was 17 when we moved here, and more interested in the expanded freedoms my parents allowed me than in anything else. For me, the situation in the habitat quickly became my new normal. My parents had kept me close topside, rarely letting me out of their sight. Everything changed once we were down here, and I was allowed to roam freely on most of the living floors. I spent most of my time on Academia, where I attended classes, and of course, all of us teens roamed Ent 2. My friends and I loved browsing Mercantile and heading to Culinary for a snack.

Things were so much better down here than they had ever been topside for me; I guess I never questioned it. To be completely honest, it had been so nice being down here, I never really noticed anything to make me uncomfortable unless it affected me personally. Maybe happy people don't feel a need to disrupt the system. And I am happy down here, self-esteem issues aside.

Almost everything I knew about living in the habitat came from my direct experiences. I only attended school in the habitat for a year before I signed the Charter, and afterward, I was consumed with liaison training. I never learned about or really thought about how habitats were organized or managed.

I had never considered how my position as NAHE Head related to the board or HA. It never came up in my training with Evelyn; we were always focused on the Liaison's internal organization. Effie had always treated me like a regular person, and Gerold, well, he strutted around like he was in charge of everything.

Evelyn had given me a new piece of the puzzle; the Board had set up the liaisons as the third pillar, an equal, in fact, to the Board and Habitat Admin.

I had to confront the facts. If Alex is in charge of the Liaisons in every habitat, there's no way she could be under Gerold's authority, which meant I had never really been under his authority. Remembering Evelyn's words to me earlier helped. I fought down the weasels. Regardless of what I had done in the past, today was a new day, and I would do better instead of wishing the past were different.

And then my door opened, and there stood Ehren Kwye.

They looked terrible, haggard; a grayish tint overlayed their usually warm dusky color, with dark shadows under their eyes, as if they hadn't slept. I was used to seeing Ehren in loud colors and patterns, proclaiming their presence; today, their clothes were a solid, almost dingy gray.

Ehren had been a social worker in Baltimore before being recruited for the Liaisons and moving here last year. We live in the same section, and while we're not close, we always stop and chat when we run into each other.

"Hi, Ehren, what's up?"

They dropped heavily into the chair on the other side of my desk, the beads on the ends of their cornrows jangling against each other.

"I went off on Gerold before the meeting on Wednesday."

I actually suppressed a sigh. I should have expected something like this. I'd noticed they'd been on edge in the listening meeting. The same qualities that made Ehren such a fantastic social worker topside weren't always translating smoothly. I knew they were caring and kind when it came to our residents, but the need to fiercely fight for them against the very beauracracy set up to help wasn't as necessary now, and Ehren didn't always seem able to make the distinction.

"Tell me what happened."

Ehren seemed to shrivel in their chair, keeping their eyes fastened on the floor. "You have to understand, I was upset. I thought they for sure were going to replace you with some stupid old white woman. You've been a wonderful head, and I just saw red when I thought they were taking you out of a job you're so good at. It's unjust; you've been so fair with everyone, and I just kept thinking of someone holding us down like before. So I came over just fuming. When I got there, I saw Gerold outside, and I just snapped. You know how he is, so damned condescending. He won't acknowledge my gender preferences; he's decided I'm female, and that's that. He calls me a 'young woman' or 'young lady,' which is offensive. So him just saying hello shot my last nerve, and I went off."

Seeing myself through another's eyes: Ehren thinks I'm a wonderful head and is willing to defend me against something they see as unjust. Too bad the unjust part was an assumption on their end.

I thought about asking them what they had said, but remembered to keep it open-ended, "Go on."

"Well, he said something along the lines of "Good morning, young lady" and I just blew. I told him not to "young lady" me and I knew he had a part in trying to replace you, a well-qualified black woman who has done a stellar job the entire time I've been here, with some futsy old white woman who's never managed anyone in her life."

Ehren raised their head and looked straight at me. "I asked him how his actions corresponded with everyone having equal value and worth, and then accused him of pushing you aside to make sure upper management catered to people like him instead of everyone. I mean, I thought this place was meant to create a better world, a world where people lift each other up instead of pushing us down."

One mystery solved, I had wondered why Gerold had been so withdrawn during the meeting. I refocused my attention on Ehren.

"Gerold is difficult, but why would one conversation cause you to react this way?"

Ehren looked up. "One conversation? Why would you think it was only one conversation? Gerold calls me every few months. She began to mimic Gerold's tone, 'Just checking in with you; how's my dear girl?' He always wants to know about tricky situations to get HA on them. I've never understood why he's been calling me since my first week on the job."

I hadn't known Gerold had been contacting liaisons in the storefronts. I could feel myself flushing again as I struggled to set aside my feelings of inadequacy. I had to be fair and present what I knew.

"Ehren, I know for a fact, Gerold knew nothing about Alex or the position until Effie sprang the interview on him the day before."

Ehren looked uncomfortable, and I felt my heart turn toward them. I knew it had to be hard to come in and tell me this, only to find the entire reason they built in their head to justify their actions had been a fantasy. I made sure my voice was gentle, "So you've told me what happened; what do you think I should do with this information?"

They flared up, sitting up straighter and giving me a look of pure indignation, "Well, if it were me, I'd do something about Gerold. I just wanted to be honest with you, is all."

I remembered what I had been through when I first moved down. And I remembered what Evelyn had done for me and said to me earlier.

"Can I give you my thoughts on this?" I knew they were probably wishing they had never come here. I also knew this had to be dealt with.

Ehren sighed and looked down again, slumping down in the chair as if hearing a prison sentence. But after a moment, they straightened up, looked at me and nodded firmly.

"Like I said earlier, Gerold is difficult. I agree there's a problem, but it's not one either of us can solve right now. So, I want to focus on you."

They didn't like it, not one bit, but I had to give them credit; the only thing they said was "Okay."

"You came down sometime last year, right?"

Ehren nodded.

"As someone who is non-binary, as well as a person of color, I'm betting you were treated pretty badly topside. I'm also betting when you were recruited, one of your thoughts was it would be a piece of cake down here compared with what's happening on the surface."

They shrugged, "Well, yeah, no cops down here, jumping on my blackness or queerness. I mean, the whole idea of the police, historically, was to hold us black people down. Look at how many videos there are of them shooting us for no reason, killing us and then lying about it until the video comes out and even then, no one charges them for nothing! I thought things would be different here, and it is for the most part, but there are still people like Gerold around, and it feels like they think the rules don't apply to them." ₍₁₎

I understood. I was happier living here, too. Gerold wasn't the only one who still carried some of the same topsiders' attitudes, but most were more muted. I also knew it would take time to figure out how to approach Gerold about these issues. I shelved my thoughts; I still had to deal with the matter in front of me. I leaned over and looked Ehren in the eyes as I spoke.

"I understand what you are saying, and I happen to personally agree with you. But I can't approach Gerold without adequate preparation, which will take time. I want to circle back and share a story of how it was for me after I moved here. Ok?"

Ehren nodded, so I continued. "I'm sure you remember what it was like after you accepted the offer and returned topside. Almost everything gets sold or given away, and we move down with what we find impossible to give up.

"We bring down physical items, those we treasure for one reason or another. We bring our skills and knowledge, our determination to love and be our authentic selves, as well as our hopes and our dreams. We also carry down our upbringing, our biases, our pain, our trauma and our anger.

"Now, I don't know how it was for you, but when I came down twenty years ago, I thought everything would be magically better than our lives had been topside. And in a lot of ways, it is. And even though I hoped never to have to endure another microaggression, I found myself becoming super vigilant to the possibility of microaggressions, especially in certain circumstances." ₍₂₎

Ehren looked puzzled, "I don't understand where you're going with this, Mika."

"It's my skin color; I'm so dark, I came across as a freak. When I was a kid, before we moved here, no matter where I went, I'd overhear conversations commenting on my color, as if I weren't right in front of them. Or someone would try to touch my skin to see if my color would come off or if I felt different. I hated being touched. I felt like I was a special-edition Barbie no one had ever seen—a freak of nature every day up there—and it was demeaning. I was a throwback to earlier ancestors on both sides, and while my parents weren't as dark as I am, they knew what I was going through. It's one of the reasons they said yes when we got recruited.

"When we came down here, I kept bracing myself for the same sort of treatment. It didn't happen, but I knew it would one day, and I would be ready to defend myself in a way I hadn't felt I could topside. I not only carried my anger and shame from above; I nursed it and held it close.

"Then, one day, I was wearing an open-back dress, and as I was leaving the Eatery, I felt someone's fingers on my back. I started shouting and screaming as I whipped around and almost decked the poor guy behind me, who was holding a piece of food film he'd just plucked off my back. I was shaken, and he was a psychologist, so we went somewhere and had a long talk about repressed trauma and systemic biases. It turns out I carried both of those down with me. White people aren't the only ones to have systemic biases, you know."

See yourself how others see you. I remembered how much better I felt when Evelyn had turned the mirror on me, and I wanted to do the same for Ehren. I also had to be very honest with them.

"I'm not a psychologist; I'm just married to one. But I think this is related to the same type of situation. You brought down all your trauma and your natural reaction of anger with you. You're very protective of those you think need your help; it's part of what made you such a good social worker before and makes you good at your job down here."

"Hearing your story and thinking about mine, I think we need to add one more item to Alex's list: offering therapy sessions as part of our orientation of new residents. I know people shut down at the idea of therapy, but it's just another tool. We probably all have something we need to work on; how can we not? If it's offered as a normal part of orientation, the stigma of accepting help could be lessened."

Ehren brightened a bit as they leaned their arms on the table, "Do you think anything we talked about the other day will make a difference?"

I was honest, "I don't know, but Alex is going to hold a similar meeting with every habitat, so everyone's voices will be heard."

I shifted back to my original thought process. "Dave recommended a therapist for me after I almost decked him, and I'm glad I made the appointment. My therapist helps me work through the issues and figure out coping skills if something does happen. I'm learning to recognize my triggers, identify when they're happening, and find better ways of standing up for myself without getting caught up in my feelings. It's a lot of hard work, and I didn't see or feel the benefits for quite a while. I actually felt worse a few months after I started, but my therapist is great, and we just keep working through everything as it comes up. It's not easy, but I think it's worth it."

Ehren's eyes glistened for a moment as they made an obvious effort to fight back tears. They hung their head and, in a muffled voice, said, "I feel like I've broken the Charter somehow. This isn't who I want to be. I came down for a better life, to live around people who treated me fairly, and I'm treating them the same way I've always hated when I saw or felt it around me."

I reached across my desk and grabbed their shaking hands in mine.

"We all do it. One of the most important lessons I've learned is that the things we are most bothered about in others are the very aspects we don't like about ourselves. We project the dislike we would feel for ourselves if we weren't denying its existence onto someone, anyone else. And as to breaking the Charter, all I can say is if you feel like you've violated its spirit, I think the very fact you are worried says something about you as a person."

I could feel the tension leave them, and I released their hands and sat back in my chair, as they straightened up in theirs.

"I know you'll work through this and come out happier on the other side. I can ask Dave to recommend someone in our section who's best suited to your issues, and I'll even go with you for support if you need me. It's fine if you don't, but my offer stands."

Ehren looked a little better. "Thanks, Mika, I'd appreciate a recommendation, but would it be okay if I make the appointment and then decide if I want you there?"

And so journal, my day began with a heartfelt wish to just be able to build a blanket fort to hide from the world as I beat myself up and compared who I was to everyone else. It was a day when I was seriously considering resigning from a job I loved. It turned into a better day because I called and talked with a friend, not only seeing myself through their eyes but also being able to do the same for someone else in pain. I also noticed how far I've come in terms of dealing with my feelings around microaggressions.

I have one more thing to do tonight before I go home to Dave. Evelyn was right, Alex needs someone to help her, and I know the perfect person. I'm messaging Clarissa.